My boyfriend and I are out for dinner. It’s a special occasion for us because it’s not some place we can normally afford. We give each other “Happy First Anniversary” cards and make the most of the evening as we know it’ll be a while before we can afford a place like this again!

Boyfriend: “Can we get the check, please?” 

Waitstaff: “Actually, your bill has been paid for this evening. You’re all set!” 

Boyfriend: “Wait, what? Seriously? By whom?”

Waitstaff: “That woman over there.”

They point to an elderly woman sitting close by.

Boyfriend: *Waving her over* “Thank you so much! Would you like to join us for coffee?”

She politely declines. On our way out, we stop to talk to her for a minute and ask her why. 

Old Woman: “Oh, I was married for forty-six years. My husband passed, but today would have been our anniversary, and here you are celebrating your first on the same day we would have celebrated our fiftieth! And in the same restaurant! It was a sign. Go, be happy, and never… ever… take a moment with each other for granted!”

We’ve taken her words to heart ever since.

I work on a construction site as an admin — not one of the physical laborers but in the office. I’m also about as white as one can get before they start to glow in the dark, so most people assume I only know English. I actually speak four languages, and I’m working on a fifth.

I am sitting at my desk while our safety officer is doing a welcome orientation for some of our new employees. They are currently taking a break for the safety officer to address something else. I have just introduced myself, and they are standing near my desk conversing in Spanish, gesturing at a map on the wall as if that’s what they’re talking about.

Employee #1: “I bet she likes her hair pulled. I’d give it a good yank.”

Employee #2: “No, she’s probably boring — on her back, doing nothing.”

Employee #1: “No, girls like her are too wound up. They gotta let it out.”

I stand up, timesheets in hand.

Me: *In English* “Okay, guys, I need you to fill these out and turn them in on Friday before you leave. Any questions?”

Employee #1: “Uh… No English?”

Me: “Your entire safety orientation was in English.”

Employee #2: “Okay, okay, thank you.” *In Spanish* “Don’t be dumb.”

Me: “Any questions?”

They take the paperwork and begin gesturing at different things on the paper, but they are actually trying to guess how big my nipples are by relating them to coins.

Me: *In Spanish* “There are women on site who speak Spanish, too.”

Both employees stopped dead and turned a deep red. When the safety officer returned, I told him what had happened. He stopped the orientation and sent the two employees out immediately, informing their supervisors that they would not be working on our project.

A passenger is boarding. I scan his boarding pass, and it shows that he has a baby associated with his booking.

Me: “Sir, where’s the baby?”

Passenger: “He ain’t coming.”

Me: “Sir, you have to inform us of that before boarding begins.”

Passenger: “Like you informed me, for my flight a year ago, that my plane was delayed due to a storm? I only found out when I arrived at the airport. So, for that disrespect, I will always add a baby to my reservation, because I know that gives you extra work.”

Me: “Please board, sir.”

Colleague: *As soon as the boarding has ended* “I know you’re new, but I wouldn’t have let that slide. I would’ve made him board last.”

Me: “I did call center work before coming here, so I know that adding a baby costs €25 per flight segment, so let him think he’s getting back at us.”

We left laughing.

It’s 1995, and I’m working at a cheese store in a touristy Midwestern city. I am a bald white man with a preference for dark colors. It has been a tough week. Some dental work has failed, so I am without my three front upper teeth for the next week until the new bridge is made. I am trying hard not to smile.

A local has been browsing our postcards. She selects a pile about an inch and a half thick and just walks out with them.

I follow.

Me: “Excuse me. You need to pay for those.”

Customer: “Deese be free.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You be a cheese store. Deese be free.”

I laughed with a full toothless skinhead-looking smile. She was startled. I reached over, plucked the postcards out of her hand, and returned to the store.

I tried really hard not to smile at people until my dentist installed the new bridge.

Me: “I’m afraid I’m booked all afternoon. Are you free before then?”

Client: “Sure, I can be there in the morning.”

Me: “What time?”

Client: “Any time after noon.”

Me: “That’s in the afternoon, sir.”

Client: “Well, whatever you want to call it.”