Should I stay on the togetherall site?

the one complaining about 100 people driving the wrong way.

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I don’t know how to serve out hot food like the rice casserole which was part of yesterday’s supper. Since even for Mom it’s hot to touch the casserole dish. And she has to have it just right -some for Me, some for Dad, some for her, some for me, some for Dad, some for her until the dish is almost empty.

The same serving goes for Saturday’s potato salad and I know only to take four deviled eggs.

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ITs not my sister’s ex-wife (she never been married) its her boyfriend’s ex-wife which is the problem.

The problem about supper being late is only half the problem. The other half (the main half)t of he problem is because my sister is always calling around supper time (twice now, once on Saturday and once yesterday) it means I’m stuck listening to the entire meal to the only conversations the parents will “allow” at the table after my sister calls -which is my sister’s problems when it’s still in their words “Fresh in their heads” so it means we can’t discuss the news or anything else instead (not that they would have been able to discuss the news because they didn’t get to watch much news last night because sis talked for an hour.

If I was in her shoes or if I was the one on the phone… I would have the manners to at least ask the parents is “Did I catch you at a bad time?” Something my sister seems incapable of doing.

my sister and I are alike to the point that for both of us our parents have to “tiptoe on eggshells” as our parents put it. Dad doesn’t realize it but my sister and I have to do the same thing with him because he has just as explosive temper as my sister and I.

When @Opinion said ex wife they were referring to your sister’s boyfriend’s ex wife.

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I have tried to change but it’s hard when one never has “Real world experience”. I never once lived on my own except for like a holiday weekend when the parents were elsewhere and even then I didn’t have to worry about my meals since we had meals in the house. I can’t really adult when I have no experience with adulting- I mean I had to fight for years to let my Mom to let me help cutting one of my pills with a pill splitter or to have her supervise me calling in my Rx stuff since she refuses to let me do it on my own because she/they “are afraid I will mess up a number”.

And Mom apparently forgotten that she or Dad were suppose to teach me “the value of a dollar” and it’s been over a year since I got onto (Development support) and they’re still haven’t taught me that. And then they get mad-especially Dad when I over spend but I have so much money due to not using it 2.5 years worth… I want to spend it like badly.

It’s not really a couple of hours. Last night’s phone call was an hour-long enoguh to miss most of the Canadian news. I have no idea how long my sister talked on the phone on Saturday… Mom called me “early” for supper (about 6:45 and she doesn’t normally call me until after 7pm) to pour drinks and we didn’t get to sit down to eat until 7:30pm. I was so worried about the drinks being “warm” I put our water back in the jug and I had to put my chocolate milk into one of my water bottles to put it in the fridge. But Mom really shouldn’t have promised last night that “they wouldn’t try to talk to much” about my sister’s problem but that’s only that Dad would talk about the entire meal.

I mean I can understand that the parents don’t want to make my sister angry so they don’t ask to hang up sooner because they’re worried she might never speak to them again. It’s also why I don’t say once of these times that “sis could you please bugger off.” since we’re barely on speaking terms as it is because of our rough relationship (I try to compliment her hair, her outfit, her boots at least once when she’s here). As I said to someone else on the thread the parents have to tiptoe on eggshells around both of us. But I’m also kind of having to do that as well especially when sis’s and her boyfriend’s Christmas Gift is a movie & supper, so I don’t really want to upset the delicate balance that’s between my sister and I currently which as I said why I haven’t told her to bugger off on the phone one of the last time she called.

I just think my sis has a really lack of phone manners if I was my sister or at least if I was in my sister’s shoes or even if It was me on the phone- I would have the manners of at least asking this question to my parents: “Did I catch you at a bad time?” and if the parents say “Yes” I would say “I will call back later” something my sister is incapable of.

I do understand that she’s calling when she’s driving to (boyfriend’s) place like when she gets onto the highway I mean. But I prefer it when she’s calls in the middle of the afternoon (like 1-2pm) that way the parents have plenty of time to talk about my sister’s problems when I’m not around vs when she calls close to supper time when the only time they can talk about my sister’s problems after she hangs up is at supper and I’m forced to listen.

Spot on. Now, remember when i said this was an analogy?

If lots of people are giving the same advice, what might this indicate about the advice?

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I need to change. Yeah I get that but as I told someone else it’s hard to adult when you have to fight to adult with your own parents. I had to fight to cook, I had to fight to let me help with my pill cutting, or calling in Rx. I tried to fight to be allowed to be in the doctor’s room on my own but that failed but it’s not a problem at the moment because my next doctor’s appointment is again over the phone this year.

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You’re making this into an all-or-nothing situation. Just tackle one problem at a time. Pick one that seems easier, and see what you can do.

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I never said following advice is easy, but I’m glad you realise the point of the analogy.

Might i suggest the next time people offer you advice and it isn’t something you can easily do (especially if lots of people have said the same thing)?

Rather than responding with a long list of why you can’t do that, instead respond with something like “I’d like to do that, but [reasons] make it difficult. What should i do so i can follow your advice?”

You’ll find a few things happen. Firstly, and most importantly, you’ll see you’re breaking down the big problem into a lot of smaller steps. Secondly, you’ll discover people are more willing to offer advice to help you if they realise you do accept it. What’s more, the advice will end up being lots of small steps that you can (hopefully) find doable.

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Put yourself in your sisters place. You want people to help you and put their attention on you when you’re having a problem. Everyone does. What your sister is going through doesn’t sound like it’s something small. Does she usually call at supper time? If not chances are it’s something big.

For instance, I hardly ever call my parents at supper time or after 9 pm. I did once after 9 by accident but that’s it. My mom knows if I call during those two times there’s a problem that she needs to know about.

If you were having a problem like your sister is how would you feel if your parents said to themselves oh let’s forget about Celoptra and talk about the news or the movies? Let’s be honest you’d be upset. Anyone would be.

You are not your parents’ only child. The world doesn’t revolve around you. They are likely worried about your sister. Have some compassion. If you’re inconvenienced because your dinner is late at least you’re not going through what she’s going through.

It’s hard for parents to see their kids hurting no matter how old they are. I’m almost 50. Yes I call my mom to talk to her and she worries about me. That’s what being a parent is all about.

You’ve said you want to have kids. What are you going to do when your child needs to talk to you and dinner is late? Oh sorry, honey we can’t talk right now I have to eat at 7 pm?

Again sorry to be blunt but you need to hear this.

Aren’t there any programs in your area for people with autism or other developmental difficulties? I know in the US we have them where you get taught life skills and you’re taken out shopping. I realize that it would have been hard the last couple of years but your parents have known you’ve had autism for many years. If those programs were available and I’m sure they are they should have had you in them.

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I’m going to go through each of the sections

We never know when she will call. But most of the time (except for Saturday/yesterday) she normally calls in the afternoon. At least with the afternoon calls it mean the parents have like two hours to talk about my sister’s problems before supper and we can discuss other things during supper like the news even if news these days are still about Covid/Russo-Ukraine war.

If I was in my sister’s shoes- I would try to call but if I did get someone on the phone I would at least ask “Am I catching you at a bad time?” and if the parents said I was, I would hang up and call back later. My sister doesn’t seem to be able to do that. And then there’s the whole “walking on eggshells” thing.

I’m not sure how I can say this without being rude. Supper being late is not the main problem- could people please stop focusing on that part? Could we actually focus on the actually problem for me with supper is that because of my sister calling “before supper is served” is that means the only "conversation" allowed to happen at the supper table is only about my sister’s problems we can’t discuss anything remotely else.

On Saturday it was made worse because I listened into large chunks of the conversation on the phone so that I had a rehash of it at the supper table because the parents didn’t want to talk about anything else. But on the other hand Mom promised last night “they wouldn’t talk to much about my sister’s problems” but by Dad spend the entire meal doing excatly that.

Well I would at least teach my kids some phone manners like ask whomever you’re talking to if you caught them at a bad time. If you did catch them at a bad time hang up and try to call again later. Don’t know about a scenario if any of the kids take after my dad/sis/me- it might be the same as the parents are doing.

Even if there was life skills classes where I was for special needs most of them got moved online due to Covid. Like my day-program is still online on Zoom.

I think the only adult thing I did in the past year was get the ball rolling to get myself onto DSO after having to fight with parents for months about it. Since I was getting tired of getting nowhere with them. I did get more Monterey Jack (2 bricks) for mom and I the week before Easter this year while I was getting chocolate for the parents and Mom got more the following Tuesday. I luckily got two reusable bags because one of Dad’s grocery bags ripped the previous week.

I know something which could help is an APSW (I think that’s how it’s spelled, Adult Protective Social worker) whom I think is suppose to help you get independent living skills or something? But DSO refuses to allow me to ask for one via email… I have to call to request one and since Mom’s my sectary… she has all the information. Not to mention moving out would be a bit of a headache when the parents are the (blank) for the Passport funding (sorry I’m blanking out the word-the people in charge of my money) so it would mean I have to re-fill out that form with myself as the person in charge of Passport money.

What if even though this is a bad time for you, it’s really important that the other person talks to you now?

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to be honest I don’t know what I would say. The only polite thing would be (and my parents seem to lack the manners but as I mentioned before the whole “tiptoeing on eggshells around my sister and I”) is “hey you called us just as we’re going to have supper could you call us again in a few minutes?”. Sis didn’t get angry with the parents when Mom mentioned on Saturday “we were just about to have supper when she called” since she still called the next day and then last night. and yet the parents’ excuse is they don’t want her to “get so angry she never speaks to them again” but that didn’t happen the one time Mom mentions that we’re about to have supper when sis called (Saturday).

And if the answer to that is “No sorry, it’s really urgent.” would you be able to change your plans?

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In that situation probably. But it’s not so much the calling of my sister that is the problem (its only is part of the problem). It just when she calls right before supper when we do finally get to have supper the entire conversation is monopolized by my sister’s problems and nothing else can be talked about we have to be talking about my sister’s problems the entire meal. And last night that’s was exactly what I was afraid of as soon as I saw her phone number pop up on the phone. And when I asked Mom after the parents got off the phone with my sister if they couldn’t talk too much about my sister’s problems and she said “they’ll try” but nope, Dad spend the entire meal monopolized the conversation talking about my sister’s problems and only my sister’s problems.

It’s not so much the calling that is the problem the main problem I have is when sis calls so close to supper it means when we finally do eat… the entire meal is taken over, monlopized by only talking about my sister they REFUSE to talk about anything else. So what am I suppose to do in that situation? My only choices are: be forced to listen to the conversation being monlopized about my sister’s problems, eat in another room (and the TV tables we have suck they’re very small for someone whom is a tall person not as tall as my father but still), or wait for the parents to finish their eating and eat by myself in the dinning room so I don’t have to put up with the conversation.

But I know with the last two options I would get lonely but at least with the eating by myself at the dinning room table means I could maybe read something one handed depending on what the meal is.

Confused… back in 2012 when I was by myself overnight for the first and only time but yet I get lonely when there’s other people in the house?

Could we please stop focusing on the first half of the problem but please could we look instead at the other half of the problem that is the supper conversation being monlopized by my sister’s problems? Yes I do have the choices of: eating in another room or waiting for the parents to be doen and eat at the dinning room table but neither of them are really “fun” but neither is listening to the ONLY thing been talked about is my sister’s problems. Like on Saturday I couldn’t even ask my parents until I was getting ready for bed if the news that night “Was the normal stuff” (ie Covid/Urakine-Russian war). I didn’t bother to ask that last night because the only got to see one hour of news before my sister called and spend the next hour talking on the phone. So they only saw like the 5:5:30pm news and some 7pm American news (PBS News hour) and then the only other news they saw was the 10pm and 11pm news hours later.

The week before Easter weekend my sister Facebooked message be out of the blue and asked me to send some photos of herself to my Dad which I did. (Dad had given both of us sets of beads for our hair for Christmas)- I almost asked her how she was but for some reason decided against it.


But we got majorly off topic on here. I would like to leave Togetherall site but I get some support but a lot of people apparently don’t understand my situation- and make fun of me and they think its “easier to move out of my parents’ house” but I looked around and without DSO support I would need a job and having a job means my disability income is at risk.

The math situation will be done two times One is what I currently get. The 2nd is what I would get if I lived on my own+ clawing back of 50c if I earn over a certain amount ($200) with a job.

I get from disability income $800 (the government is “ripping me off” according to my Dad) I “pay” $350 to the parents so I only have via that paycheque $450.

If I had a lived on my own I would get $1,000 but the cheapest apartment I can find in my area is $599. Now if I earn over $200 with a job that would mean 50c gets clawed back. So that means I would be getting only $999.5 and then you have to take away $599 and that means it lives me with only $400.50 to provide myself with food and others needs.

And if I earn too much for the government my disability income could be taken away and I have no idea what my three drugs cost that I get for free under the disability income program.

I think you misunderstood me when I talked about serving out of a casserole dish. The dish is SO HOT that when Mom tries to serve it without using a dishcloth and a Potholder she can burn herself. So is it any wonder why I don’t want to serve myself from the same burning hot casserole dish? Out of a dish like this:

It’s one thing if I was make microwave chilli which I just eat from a bowl or if I was serving myself a single-served of hot Ramyeon from a pot but a Casserole dish is another kettle of fish entirely.

Pot I cook raymeon
images
in and I can transfer it to those mixing bowl like I make chilli in


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And to me my problem is that I don’t like the entire supper conversations being monlopized after sis calls so close to supper being about her and nothing else we can’t discuss the news or anything. And Monday night Mom PROMISED that they would try not to talk to much about her problems during supper (and “a promise is a promise even if it’s just to myself” according to a Robert Munch book but Mom broke a lot of promises) but Dad spend the entire meal talking about exactly that and Mom didn’t speak up once asking Dad to briefly change the subject so I was forced to listen another night to my sister’s problems.

And my parents don’t seem to care about MY problems. Like having to fight to be able to do stuff like having to fight to cook what I want or having to fight to help with prescription cutting or to fight to be supervised to call in RXs for my prescriptions. (And number 2 I HAVE done before but Mom doesn’t trust me to do it and yet I did it over 10 Years ago in 2012 without supervision). And one weekend in 2012 I spent the entire weekend at home overnight by myself. And since I didn’t go out I didn’t have to worry about my hair being done.

So I’m not entirely incapable of living on my own. the only issues would be the eye stuff either by night stuff or the stuff I need if my eyes are dried and hair doing.

And BTW whom said I have to move to a group home? No one said that. … I would be making a housing vision but I don’t know how big any of the rooms are in my house and due to so much crap being in all the rooms-my room, the dinning room, family room, living room, even the backyard is full of crap) I can’t really measure how big they’re from one wall to the other. Even though I think my sister’s room is bigger then my room.

Oh in my elementary school years when we’re discussing about me going to college when I was older the plans were if I had to go father away then one college the plans were 1)I For college 1 would stay with my Dad’s mom (but she died in April 2007)… or the other idea was for college 2 staying with my Mom’s parents.

The casserole dish is a good example of your problems of daily living. I was baking and handling dishes straight from the oven before I was a teenager. I say this not to brag, but because I am confident that you can do it too. You are afraid to even try, though.

You probably can’t do it safely or comfortably using a dishcloth or a tea towel any more than your mother can. She’s not Superwoman! But a pair of oven mitts will be more secure and safer for you than what she uses. Then you just need a long-handled spoon or spatula or whatever for the actual serving—just like your mother does, but maybe with longer handles for a bit more safety, since you are less experienced.

For problems like this, an occupational therapist might help. Occupational therapists help people with mental or physical disabilities solve the practical problems of daily life; they are not psychologists, they are more like problem-solvers.

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I mean Mom and I made a casserole (Mac and cheese) back when I was in Gr.10 but I burned myself on the old stove we had at the time. And I only been baking Cakes for Mom’s birthday for several years I can’t remember how many years… which year was the solar eclipse? Mom and I have tried oven mits but it makes me more clumsy then I’m already am. We do have a different kind of oven mitts which are more like um gloves which are easier for me to handle dishes. The only time I don’t need them is to handle ramyeon when I transferring it from the glass pot to the mixing bowl or if I’m having microwave chilli (mixing bowl). I will look into Occasional thepapist after my lunch and my other “jobs”

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As you have done in a reply to me, I am going to do the same here.

Regarding this, I suggest that your mother gets one or two of these:

Ove Glove Hot Surface Handler Oven Mitt Glove, Perfect for Kitchen/Grilling, 540 Degree Resistance, As Seen On TV Household Gift, Heat & Flame Amazon.com

We have them and they work great. You could even use them.

Regarding your problem with your parents talking about your sister’s problems I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Would you want your parents to ignore the bad crap you’re going through and just be like La dee da everything’s good let’s talk about the news now. Don’t say you would because if you do you’re fooling only yourself.

I have three friends who I’ve known since at least high school. When one of us has a problem we put our own problems aside and listen to what the others have to say. That is what friends and family members do for each other.

Here’s an analogy. You go into a hospital because you twisted your ankle and you’re in the waiting room to be seen. Someone comes in bleeding because they were in a bad car wreck and are taken back first. Would you get upset because you were there waiting to be taken back and yet someone went in front of you? That is how you are treating your sister’s problems. You’re upset because you feel like your small problem (like the twisted ankle in my analogy) is being ignored for your sisters big problem (like the bleeding from a car wreck in my analogy). Now I know you don’t have a twisted ankle and your sister isn’t bleeding from a car wreck. That’s what an analogy is.

Regarding what you said about your parents not caring about your problems. I am sure they do care. The problem is that to be honest they don’t know when you’re going to have a meltdown. Which is why you and they need professional help getting you help with coping skills.

You know that I have been one of your staunchest supporters. But I am almost at the end of my rope because you’re an energy drain. And that’s sad because I do enjoy your posts when it’s not complaining about things that you don’t seem like you want to change because you ignore our advice.

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