I am at the Renaissance Faire and come across a living statue performer. I put a five in her tip basket, and ever so slowly, she comes to life to thank me. Behind me, I can hear a man react with a very stereotypical deep Southern accent.

Man: “Well, g**d*** that is impressive! I thought she was a real statue and d*** near s*** my pants when she started moving. Give her some money; she deserves it!”

I see a customer looking around.

Me: “Do just let me know if you have any questions.”

Customer: *With a big grin and silly voice* “Where do babies come from?”

Cue externally laughing, internally screaming.

I’m fifteen years old. Last week, I had an orthodontist appointment. I decided to watch some Netflix while I waited for my name to be called; I started watching “Schitt’s Creek”.

A few minutes later, I noticed this middle-aged lady with blonde frizzy hair just looking at me in this weird way. Sitting next to her was a boy who looked about eleven years old and a girl who looked around four years old. I kind of looked up at them, and the woman gave me this weird smile. (She should have been wearing a mask as they are required in the waiting room.)

Lady: “Kids, go along and see what that girl is doing with her phone.”

I was really weirded out but, of course, I didn’t do anything. The kids got close — less than a foot away from me, and neither was wearing a mask. I was uncomfortable.

Me: *To the lady* “Can you please tell your kids to back off? They are way too close.”

The kids just got closer and started staring at my phone screen. At that point, I was so annoyed that I just turned off my phone, thinking they’d go away.

Nope. The mom saw and YELLED at me:

Lady: “Let my kids watch a show!”

Me: “No. I don’t want them to watch shows on my phone.”

She did not like this. She walked over to me, grabbed my phone from my hand, and started demanding the password — which, of course, I did not tell her.

At that point, my name was called. I grabbed my phone back and left the waiting room to go get my braces adjusted.

About fifteen minutes later, the eleven-year-old came and sat down on the orthodontist chair next to me — he too had braces — and he actually apologized for his mom. Honestly, I was surprised.

I work for a certain retail chain specializing in arts and crafts. I typically work on the floor, but this Sunday, one of the cashiers has called out sick, so I am covering the register.

A customer comes up to the register with two photo frames and some other things. I ring them up.

Me: “Your total is [amount around $30].”

Customer: “Oh, I thought the frames were ‘buy one, get one half off’. Why are they ringing up at full price?”

Me: “It’s [Brand #1] that is ‘buy one, get one free’, but you have [Brand #2].”

The customer says okay and pays, but after she is done, instead of heading out to the door, she turns around and goes back into the store. She comes back three minutes later and gets back in line. Once I ring up two or three customers, she is back at my register and pulling out her phone. 

Customer: “I went back and took a picture of the sign you have for [Brand #2]. It says, ‘Buy one, get one 50% off’.”

She turns the phone to me and enlarges the picture, and that’s when I see at the bottom of it: “Valid through [last Friday].” 

Me: “Ma’am, that sale was going on until last Friday. It’s right here, on the sign.”

Customer: “You should take the sign down, then. That date is in very small print. You can hardly see it.”

And she stormed out of the store. She really wasted all that time going back to take the picture and waiting in line all over maybe five bucks in discount at most. She should have read the sign.

This story about the bed bug lady in the hardware store reminded me suddenly of my mom. I’ve written about my mom in this story. She’s the one who had me sleep on a floor when I went to visit, even though I’m a disabled adult. 

My mom returns home from a trip, complete with suitcases and her husband. They went to visit his ex-girlfriend from decades past.

Mom: “You won’t believe this, but [Ex-Girlfriend] has bed bugs in her spare room!”

Me: *Taking a step back* “How do you know?”

Mom: “Well, not everyone has symptoms, but apparently, I’m allergic. I had big welts everywhere. But neither of them knew since they aren’t allergic, I guess.”

Me: “So… um… Did you bring bed bugs home? If not, how did you ensure…?”

Mom: “Oh, don’t worry. We checked into a hotel to get away from the bugs. We bought new suitcases, and I took what clothes I couldn’t throw out to the laundromat.”

I’m unsure the laundromat would be enough, but I set that aside for the moment.

Me: “I’m surprised the hotel let you stay there with possible bed bugs.”

Mom: “Oh, we didn’t tell them. We figured it would be okay to tell them when we left.”

Me: “And what did they say?”

Mom: “I haven’t told them yet.”

Me: “They need to know! Mom!”

Mom: “Well, I figured they would find out before putting anyone new in there because I shoved the old suitcases under the bed.”

Me: “Call them! Right now!”

Mom: “But they will be mad at me.”

Me: “This is bigger than your feelings. Besides, I’m mad at you already. I’ll be more mad if you don’t call right now.”

Mom: “It’s probably too late—”

Me: “I’m so disappointed in you. You were disrespectful and negligent, and you decided to be a coward about that. How would you like it if you had a guest stay with bed bugs and not warn you, and then you and future guests all get bugs, and those friends blame you? Wouldn’t you want to know? Call. Them. Now.”

Mom: “You’re so mean.” *Dials the number*

I didn’t end up getting bed bugs as far as I know; this was a decade ago.

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