When another user tells you to leave the site

I should also note that I am autistic and also naturally have trouble with indirect refusals. However, I have read up on the signs so when I think one is happening (e.g. my friend doesn’t respond to several memes in a row despite being online; someone responds to an offer to hang out with ‘maybe sometime’) I either take it as a refusal or I check in with them to see if I’m bothering them. I probably overdo it, actually, but I’d rather do that than be too much of a nuisance.

Also, whenever I see someone suggest that a socially awkward person might be autistic, they’re always talking about a guy and using it to excuse his behavior. Not all autistic people are men, not all socially awkward people are autistic, and not all autistic people are socially awkward.

One of these days, I should type up that guide to how to ask people out.

9 Likes

So men getting killed for telling someone no doesn’t count? Come on now. I’m just trying to even the playing field.

What kind of playing field are you talking about?

No, you’re not. You’re using whattaboutery to defend your opinions rather than seeking to learn.

It’s very telling that you talk about men trying to enforce the mask mandate, as if no women have ever suffered for doing so; and in any case, how you can use ‘other people have been insulted and assaulted for giving an unpopular message directly’ as a reason why women should give unpopular messages directly is beyond any Earth logic.

You are not conversing in good faith.

6 Likes

While blocking someone may feel unhelpful, it’s important to remember that it may be the right move for your mental health.

And, at this point, if you’re becoming frustrated, stepping away may be the best idea.

9 Likes

Kindly inform me how to unsubscribe from my own thread, then, as I don’t want further email notifications.

EDIT: Never mind, found it. Have fun with the thread.

Well, congratulations. You did it. You broke me. Gave me that last little push.

I have been a reader of this site since shortly after its inception. Read everything. Never had stories to share from my dull life. Tried to engage with people.

It is becoming suddenly very clear to me that I can’t do that. That I just lack that basic ability. That I can’t formulate my thoughts into words that do not cause anger in those who are subjected to them. So I’ll stop. I have signed out of the comment section. I will sign out of the forum after posting this. I will delete my bookmark to avoid accidentally finding my way back.

I will take the advice to step away from that which frustrates me. The world does. I don’t understand it. I feel less and less connected to it. Less and less like I belong anywhere. How can I when my presence only invites anger and resentment?

And so I leave. You won’t be forced to see my wrong thoughts anymore.

Thank you for not just banning me outright so I can at least say goodbye to a place I thought I belonged for so many years. I’m sorry I was wrong. I’m sorry I am wrong.

As for the question raised in the OP… it looks like he solved that, in a fashion.

As for the topic that sparked the whole discussion, maybe if we, as societies, somehow started moving away from the current situation where (in a male/female relationship) the onus is on the man to initiate a relationship (to “ask her out”), it would help.
Now, I’m sure there will always be brick-headed idiots who firmly believe that, as a(n alleged) macho guy, he’s entitled to any female he sees, and I also have no idea how we could start such a transformation, but I still believe that if it wasn’t always a man who had to initiate a relationship and a woman who has to decide how to let him down (directly or indirectly), or, when a woman is interested in someone, she didn’t have to give clues and hope the target of her interest picks up on them, it would be at least more fair.

2 Likes

I don’t think I’ve ever actually had a relationship that started with a man asking me out. All mine have been mutual decisions all the way along, from the initial choice to hang out through the beginning of mild flirtation to the, well, being in a relationship.

One person even needing to ask the other, rather than already knowing by how you interact, is honestly a little bit odd to me. Almost everyone who’s asked me has been a random dude off the street, or someone in my friendship circle who I didn’t interact with much, where the answer was obviously no. (And I was surprised and a little put off that they’d asked in the first place)

1 Like

I think for me the basic lesson is: if you are into somebody, directly ask them out or tell them that. If you don’t / can’t then don’t try to make or hold them responsible for reading your hints.

As I’ve alluded to in my previous comments, there were times in my life where I considered myself ‘friend zoned’ but looking back at it now that was my own lack of maturity and confidence, not any wrong-doing by the women.

I have also been asked out by women and I think one of the points being made about male priviledge though is that when I said no at no point did it even occur to me to fear for my safety.

2 Likes

I guess my perspective is also that if you’re hinting at them and getting nothing back, that may mean two things:

a) They’re not interested and hoping you’ll stop
b) They’re not noticing the hints, but also they themselves aren’t actively into you or they’d be giving out signals themselves

Neither of those is particularly promising.

2 Likes

I don’t feel like how one interacts with another person is a good way to know, but that’s probably because I’m both poly and have casual relationships. If someone started calling me their boyfriend without asking, I’d be very confused and put off.

I thought we were talking about people asking others for a first date? I’d also be a bit put off if someone who was just in the early stages of hanging out and flirting with me started saying they were my boyfriend.

I was conflating “needing to ask the other” with starting a relationship in your message. Though still, I can’t imagine someone just deciding they know I would say yes to a romantic date before even asking me even if we were flirting.

I think you’ve mistaken my point; the idea that someone would assume my response to asking me on a date is utterly abhorrent. My point has been that the whole concept of a romantic date seems weird to me.

The way most of my romantic relationships have worked, I’ve been hanging out with my friends, during that hanging out I’ve spent extra time talking to one person, over a few gatherings we’ve spent more time talking and flirting together, eventually we’ve ended up alone together - maybe in a different room, or in the garden, or walking to/from the gathering - and we’ve proceeded to kissing, and then there’s been the ‘is this now a thing’ discussion.

Where would going on a date come in?

Today, I had an experience with the comments section that I found quite interesting. I thought I might share my experience here.

My comment started with the words “Any sane person would …”. A commenter called that “ableist”. That made me mad! Without going into detail, I have good reasons for not picturing myself as “ableist” when it comes to mental health. How dare someone stick that label on me!

But…I do, indeed, have personal reasons to be careful about stigmatizing mental health. I was writing my response early in the day, shortly after waking up, and I did have a small hesitation about that word. Still! How dare someone stick that label on me! It would have been better if they expressed their concerns in a more neutral way!

But…if I expressed myself poorly, maybe other people don’t always put things perfectly either. The commenter wasn’t on my short list of s**t-disturbers, so I had to give their response serious consideration.

So, after a few minutes of reacting and thinking, I edited my post, and (still feeling sulky, I confess) responded to the “ableist” comment with the single word, “Fixed”.

That was a few hours ago. After mulling it over for a longer period of time, I agreed with the response to my original wording, and I will be a bit more careful in future. I also, now, have had a first-hand experience with how it feels to be labelled in that way, which makes me understand the reactions others have had. In short, if you want to change someone’s behaviour, it’s not a very useful tactic. (There is science to back this up, BTW: Changing Minds: Logic or Empathy? | Psychology Today Canada - not the best link, but it gives a good synopsis.)

Long story short, that comment forced me to do exactly what I suggested to Kenneth Vendelboe earlier in this thread, and listen to the criticism (even though I strongly felt that it was hurtful and unfair) and think about it.

8 Likes

Right here? If you meant that you didn’t want to go on dates at all then that’s entirely different from people assuming you’ll say yes to a date because you’ve been flirting with them.

It’s not that I don’t want to go on dates, I just don’t see where/how the concept of a ‘first date’ fits in to the development of a relationship.

Obviously I would never suggest that someone should just kidnap another on the basis that they’re sure they’d say yes…!

It’s probably the difference in how you get there. You have a circle of people you interact with and can spend time with and therefore end up in a relationship with. Not all of us have that privilege. First dates - these days come via meeting people at events or online - are simply shortcuts through a longer process. You get to develop a relationship first, then date. Others must date first, then develop the relationship. It’s just a different starting point is all :woman_shrugging:

2 Likes

I’m sorry - that was mine, wasn’t it?

I had no intention to come off so harsh, I really hadn’t. I actually don’t think your comment was that bad. I guess it’s one of those things that’s just been on my mind lately, (been chatting with my autistic friend a fair bit, and I’m also fairly certain I’m on the spectrum myself, and basically neurodivergence in general has come up a lot in the group chat). My mind kinda went hmm, this issue here is less about sanity and more about social adeptness/ineptness, and while that’s obviously a big component separating a lot of neurodivergent folks from neurotypical folks, I felt that labelling it “sane” vs “insane” was a bit unfair? And can cause neurodivergent folks who do struggle with that particular thing to feel a bit shitty about it (personally I’ve gotten to a point where I’m sort of comfortable with my strengths and weaknesses and I’m pretty good at not taking comments about my social ineptitude personally anymore, at least, not like I used to anyway. But for some folks I think it can still be a sore point. I was mainly thinking of my friend when I made that comment.)

And I know you were speaking more casually/colloquially, I know you weren’t implying anything nasty with it. I should have been more tactful with how I said that as well and/or explained myself better. I didn’t mean to cause hurt feelings and I truly am sorry about that. Like I said truthfully it wasn’t really a big deal, I intended it to be more like “eh, I think [this word] would be more accurate and more fair and maybe more accommodating towards ND folks who actually do struggle with that thing” - I didn’t mean it to be a strongly worded criticism at all. Honestly, I’m not sure if it matters but for what it’s worth I personally wasn’t upset/offended by what you said, nor did it colour my perception of you (like, if it’s any consolation I wasn’t thinking “wow, this person is really here just casually throwing out ableist language, wtf”), and even if you hadn’t fixed it I don’t think I would have started judging you or something. The whole thing is a sensitive topic and I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes there isn’t even a clear consensus among the ND/disabled community what language is or isn’t ableist. I likely would have chalked up a disagreement to something more along those lines as opposed to a serious moral failing like “ew this horrible person wouldn’t fix their ableism even after being called out, disgusten”.

That said I really do appreciate that you did change it, however, and I hope you can accept my apology for not being kinder in my phrasing! Chalk it up to struggling with the social tactlessness I was talking about :joy::woman_facepalming: mea culpa

6 Likes