What a Crappy Day (Storytime!)

This is long I’m sorry but there will be a TL;DR at the bottom. I honestly didn’t think it would be this long but I just HAD to tell this. Also beware: this gets a bit gross. Also also: I’m on mobile because I’ve been laying in bed thinking about this since midnight. It’s currently 4am.

So my family owns this huge ranch that’s about as big as the small town it’s located near. We pretty much have an entire valley to ourselves , there’s a highway in the back that’s hidden by a big forest, mountains on two sides and the front has a view of the pastures and a lake (and you can see a bit of the town if you squint.) the ranch is pretty much a big tourist attraction and brings revenue to the town because of my parents, who built it up as an “authentic western experience”. During the spring and summer, we offer a bunch of different things like: staying on the ranch and larping as cowboys, or learning how to ride horses, or learning about the rescue animals we have here (we are certified as a rescue, rehabilitation, and release centre thanks to my mom. No, we are not like those crazy people on Tiger King who own exotic animals, ours are mostly local wildlife that need help.)
During the fall and winter months, we are more like a theme park - we hire a travelling carnival to stay with us from October 12th to January 1st, we do a hayride featuring zombies, haunted houses, spooky and creepy crawlers, the works. During the winter holidays, we have Santa’s Vilage, the carnival (called Winter Wonderland) an illuminated trail going through the forest, a craft fair for locals who want to sell crafts, sleigh rides, all the fun stuff.

Today happened to be my dads birthday. He and my mom took the night off to celebrate, leaving my older brother and I in charge of the ranch. With the weather as it’s been (seriously BC has been inundated with four different storms that caused massive flooding; luckily for us we didnt get as much rain as we thought we would but other parts of the province haven’t been so lucky) there was a little bit of flooding on the ‘Main Street’ (literally what you think: shops and restaurants made up to look like you’re in the old west) that I was dealing with. One of the souvenir shops had flooded and we were moving displays so we could get cleaners in ASAP.

While I’m doing this with the store supervisor and another employee I get a call from security over my radio. They say a team member had been flagged down by someone near the rest area between the trail and the carnival and they needed OPS ASAP. My brother, who was close by, decided to go see what was going on knowing that I had my hands full with the flooding.

It was about half an hour later when I heard my brother rover the radio say we had a ‘Cousin Eddie’. We have several names for different emergencies during the holidays - a ‘Grinch’ means drunk person, ‘Coal’ means entitles parent/child ; my personal favourites are ‘Buddy the Elf and Josie’ which means my paternal grandparents are here, and ‘Harry and Marv’ which means my maternal grandparents are here (long story but pretty much they pissed off my parents so badly they get kicked off property when sighted). Even though we made up all these names, I’ve never heard of a ‘Cousin Eddie’.

Once I’m done with the flooding issue and lock the store up until the cleaning crew arrive to asses damage, I radio my brother that I’m coming up to see what’s going on. All I hear is his laughing over the radio. I head up on my ATV and through the trail, eventually finding my brother at the rest area (which is a set of washrooms, covered tables, and a few heaters to keep people warm) standing outside of the men’s washroom. I ask him what the hell a ‘Cousin Eddie’ is and he unlocks the door for me.

Oh my god do I wish I had never looked inside.

It looked as if someone had taken a cow pattie and smeared it over the walls, across two of the three toilets, the sink, and left soiled underwear sitting in the basin. The smell was horrific - I seriously think whoever did this needs to see a doctor because no human should ever make such a mess or smell like this.
I start to gag and I close the door and lock it. My brother and I make some jokes about burning the toilets down, but he gets to work sealing it off from use while I head back to the office located in our house to call the company we usually call to deal with this.
The owner (who we know) had a good laugh about it and came out with his crew to clean and sanitize the washroom within the hour (even though it was nearly closing time for us) and as a thank you, we gave them free tickets to the ranch for them and their families.

Now I’m sitting here, instead of sleeping, trying to figure out who to send this bill too. (I kid, but seriously who could make a mess like THAT and still live to tell the tale!?)

Tl;DR: someone couldn’t hold in their Taco Bell/Chipotle and repainted one of our washrooms :slight_smile:


I have no idea why, but if you ever find out whoever did that, they need to be told to leave and never show their faeces there again.


It’s just a really crappy situation but at least shit didnt hit the fan. My parents weren’t as pissed as I thought they’d be and it was wiped away quickly.