Unhelpful answers to Development Services group home questions

So I wrote an email to ask about group homes with “Development Services”. I wrote a bunch of questions. But after I send it to the right place (First place was the wrong place) -i got a lot of unhelpful answers today when I checked my email. And most of them would be “you have to discuss it with the specific group homes” and the woman, said that “she answered the best she could”

Question 1: “What would the noise level be like?”
answer: -All group homes are different with different number of people. The workers try to keep the noise to a minimum, but it just depends on the day and what is going on during a particular day

Question 2. “Would I be able to bring my own gaming computer with me since I would be moving out of my parents’ house?”

Answer: -You would have to discuss this specifically with the group home, but personal items are allowed.

Question 3: . “What would the workers at the group home do when I’m having a meltdown? I’m kind of afraid of them either drugging me or calling 911 on me and cops tossing me into jail. I’m kind of hoping that they instead try to find the source of the problem”

Answer: You will be able to discuss this directly with the group home and workers, they will go over a plan of action with you for when you are feeling unwell. (note: “unwell” more “upset” is my problem ie: yelling/screaming unwell means chicken noodle soup etc)

Question 4. “Would I have to share a bedroom with someone? I have done that for short times occasionally growing up but not for longer than a week or a weekend.”

Answer: -It depends on the group home, but it is a possibility you will have to share a room. But this will be discussed with the specific group home .

apparently only Question 5 is a really useful answer
Question 5: “How many bathrooms are there in a group home?”
-Answer Depends on the home, but usually there are at least 2 bathrooms

Question 6: “What is a group house schedule like?”
- It depends on the individual group home. Everyone will have a different schedule and be going to different activities etc.

Question 7:
7. “What rules do the group houses have?”

Answer -Safety rules are very important. But each home will have different rules and will be discussed with you once you accept a placement that has been offered.

Question 8: “What is the contact information for the agency which could provide me with an APSW? I have recently learned that I’m immunocompromised. So I would prefer an email rather then a phone call or virtual meeting (especially when I don’t have a web camera on my computer)”

And the answer is to call Development Services to request an APSW and then they’re would put on my profile that I prefer email for contacting.

That’s never going to happen not with my parents in the house 24/7 because of the new Covid Closures. Since I don’t really want to have to make a call behind my parents back it was hard enough to do it when I needed to get the ball rolling on Development Services stuff in the first place.

So I’m really ticked off at the unhelpful answers to my questions.

I totally see how such vague answers would be discouraging, but it sounds like they honestly can’t answer the questions in more detail.

Why can’ t you phone them openly, as they suggested? If you are already going behind your parents, a secret phone call isn’t that much worse.

If your parents do know what you are doing, is your main concern privacy during your call? If so, remember that all you will be doing is giving your email and perhaps other contact info; the questions and answers will be emailed.

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Because my parents are in the house 24/7. The only time one of them is even out of the house (Thursday mornings) I’m with him for grocery shopping on that day? I can only make calls behind my parents back when they’re out of the house (ie: hair dresser’s appointment, etc) I can’t really do it, when they’re in the house. The parents will ask too many questions if I do it while they’re in the house. If that or they get mad at me for calling behind their backs.

It just I’m sick of living with my parents, I want to be treated like a bacon adult but they still treat me like I’m 5 especially Dad. (And that’s not counting Dad’s bullying about this and that). And they want me to get life experience, but how can I get life experience w/o moving out? Since I’m not getting much life experience spending most of my day on my computer? I did last week try to do a big quiz thing, and for some of the questions I wish there was “too loud” for some questions (ie “Does the person need help with the vacuuming?” Either "Yes needs a lot of verbal prompting to use it, "needs some verbal promoting, “needs no verbal prompting but needs other methods alarm/notes/symbols” or “N/A” but I wish there was an extra “Can use a vacuum, but prefers not to do to noise”

That’s a tough one. You aren’t concerned that your parents will abuse you if they find out, right? You’re just concerned about the conflict that it may cause, if they learn you are looking for a way to leave home.

If so, then it’s really about timing, since you will tell them eventually—even if it’s the day you actually move out. Unless they are abusive, it would be better to tell them before that day comes!

They will not agree with you immediately, but unless you are afraid that they will throw you out of the house for talking about it, you may want to have that conversation fairly soon. Who knows, they may even support you once it is clear your mind is made up!

My daughter is transgender. When she first came out to us, we were in utter shock and denial. Not gonna lie, it was not our finest hour.

That was nine years ago, and we’ve all changed a lot since then. Also, a lot has happened since then, including mental health issues and major surgery for my husband. We all want her to move out as soon as she is able, but at the same time we know there are a whole bunch of practical problems to be solved first.

On the other hand, a transgender and autistic friend of my daughter’s recently fled her home because she started to become fearful for her safety as her parents became more and more controlling. She left home with no ID, not even an government health care card—her parents withheld that from her. There is no shelter space anywhere, so she is couch surfing until she can get ID and establish her competence. (Her parents claim that, although she is an adult, her autism is serious enough to make her incompetent to manage her own affairs.)

Do your parents, despite all their flaws and misunderstandings, respect you and see you as competent to make your own decisions (perhaps with some help from them)? If so, seriously consider telling them what you are doing.

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I’m trying to track down the "Steps to independent living questionnaire thing. Just to see what my mom thinks about the various questions. But from 2014-2019 Dad took me to my doctor’s appointments and after about two of them if not three of them, I got sick of Dad’s not keeping his mouth close at my appointments that I wrote a contract and Mom said it was “hurtful”, and “I need someone in the office since I might not be able to understand?”

And fall of 2020, we went to get our flu shots at Mom and my current doctor’s clinic, and we were in separate rooms, and the doctor asked me why I took X medication, and (since I don’t know much about my medications) I said something about “thyroid gland and if you need more information ask Mom next door”.

So I can understand why they want someone in the room, with me, but I have to learn eventually to have someone without me in the room They aren’t going to be around forever.

Mom’s the one who turned down the APSW or whatever its called back in the spring. I thought I wasn’t ready to move out then. But the longer I’ m stick in this house, the more fed up i get with my parents treating me like I’m 5. They tell me to grow up but then turn around and treat me like I’m 5?

like until 2018 (or before, 2013-2017?) I would go to a gym but my parents would want me to walk about 34mins there, do exercise, and walk another 34mins back home (the walk to the gym was even longer on Wednesday) and my parents got mad, well maybe not mad, like disappointed- that I took the buses home after getting pooped out at the gym. (and that’s not counting the time Dad bullied me onto the scale because I decided not to go to the gym, and all because of it was suppose to snow on that January Tuesday and Dad made a big deal out of it despite the fact I had okayed it with Mom the night before)

And Mom’s the one whom told me that “I might not understand the doctor” which is why i need someone there w/ me. But Dad’s behaviour (2019, he was good at the doctor) was getting on my case: “Criticizing Mom and I for staying up to late”, harassing me about my sleeping habits, asking the resident about my blood sugar levels, and last one was at my last family doctor’s (not the current one), and Dad had been told when I first meet (only twice saw her before switching to new doctor)-that he’s not to speak unless I need help (even if Mom had to do some roleplaying with him to get him to understand) and he apparently “forgot” that information despite me asking if he remembered and he said yes and then told me to “remember to ask for cold sore pills” and as soon as we got into the office, Dad opened up his mouth, and asked for them for me. How is all the above stuff not hurtful?

Dad finally got the message back when the Newspaper had the comic strip of the Jewish family and how the mom, and the younger doctor were at the doctor’s office and the doctor asked questions, and mom was answering them, and the daughter was saying to Mom “stop answering questions for me” and then the final panel showed the doctor asking another question and the daughter said “maybe you can answer the hard questions”.

Mom sometimes respect my decisions (getting the ball rolling with DSO) , but sometimes she doesn’t (like the contract). Dad sometimes apologizes after when he’s in a bad mood, but like my sister’s comment about me, “there’s no point in apologizing if X is going to go back to being rude again” (the X person is depending on if sis is talking then its about me, and then if it’s Me, I’m talking about Dad) so its like I’m getting fake apologies they aren’t really genuine from Dad? I mean they both respected my decison the first time I had a wisdom tooth poking into my mouth, when I called our densit to see about them fitting me in because my parents didn’t want to do anything and I was in a LOT of pain. And I’m high pain tolerance. I was complaining every single day, and I had to call the densit myself to get myself seen because I could barley even eat with the pain in my mouth.

So my parents repsecting/not repsecting decisions is “diffcult” or “diffcult to determined”

It does sound like they’re willing to work with you and find a place that’ll meet as many of your needs as possible. I mean, a lot of people have different needs, so having group homes with different rules makes sense. The fact that it’s set up like that indicates that they want to ensure people can fit in and have a supportive environment.

Isn’t there a phone in your room? You’ve mentioned using that as an intercom before. So shouldn’t you be able to make a call while your parents are watching a movie or something?

not in the bedroom, but in the library. I accidently had the one phone which used to be in my sister’s room in my bedroom and it woke up on a day I wasn’t feeling too well, and I was grumpy for the rest of the day.

Okay. So how about distracting your parents for a few hours and then making the call?

Also, it is completely ridiculous that they don’t have an email option. What are deaf people supposed to do to contact them?

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Oof. I really feel you on the doctor’s appointments. As I mentioned, my husband has some major health issues, to the point where I accompany him to appointments with specialists and the like. It took me a while to learn when to be quiet and when to speak up. Also, I have a problem with blurting out a question that is bothering me, even when I have told myself again and again that I need to give him a chance to ask it.

This is what we do now; maybe you can do something like it with your folks?

  1. Discuss the appointment before it happens. Talk about the questions that you want to ask. Write them down. Make sure you have a list of all your medications with you; you could even take the medications with you. Have your parent explain the purpose of each medication.

  2. At the start of the appointment, the patient (you) should be the one in charge, explaining the situation as well as you are able. You can then prompt your parent to add anything that you might have missed.

  3. The doctor gives their response and recommendations. It is your parent’s job to write this down, so that there is no confusion later.

  4. Your parent looks at the list of questions that you wrote at home together, and asks any questions that the doctor hasn’t answered yet. Again, they write down the answers so you can read them later.

The idea here is that you are a team. Doctors can be in a hurry, and they can give you a lot of info in a very short time and forget to explain important stuff. You and your parent have the goal of making sure you leave the appointment with a good understanding of the situation and of what is supposed to happen next.

I do this for my husband because his condition and treatment are very serious and it is important to get things right. Your parent wants to do the same thing for you, but they need to learn to be a member of Team Celoptra. You are taking the lead (or doing your best to learn how to do that), and they are there to support you, not run the whole appointment or take over without your permission.

Parenting is hard! I have made so many stupid mistakes for so long, and so I can really see myself in your parents.

Well if I can EVER have an in-person appointment again… I wouldn’t have to worry about Dad taking me to any appointments-it means Mom can take me again like she did before 2016.

1.After some talking after the “hurtful” contract. Dad and I would talk before the last two in-person appointments I had before my Specialist’s appointments. We have a list of the medications on the fridge in the kitchen somewhere or else we used too. (The doctor has a list on his computer).

  1. I mean there’s a Professional Rule with working w/ Disabled people. Isn’t it something like “Don’t talk to the companion but to the disabled person even if they’re deaf”. It also works the other way around "the companion shouldn’t talk for the disabled person unless the disabled person needs help. I constantly was telling Mom this in the first 2 times Dad “talked” for me at the Specalist’s. I mean if I don’t think there’s a problem (sleeping habits/blood sugar) I don’t need to bring it up.

  2. After typing up questions for the specialist’s. We would take it with us when we went to the Specalist’s and Dad would write down the answer.

But I have looked around a bit to see if there were other ways which didn’t need my parents in the room. Like if I had my own cellphone and it had a video/recording feature and if I asked the doctor’s office if I could record, I could record the appointment and play it back for the parents later at home.

But then there’s the entire cop problem for non-POC but disabled reasons, I’m not allowed into (city) on my own even in normal times. I mean even before Covid- I kept asking my Mom for years “What if I wanted to see Friend A or Friend B who lived in the City area?” and mom would say “We will see” (which in her case means a “No”). And that got turned into a couple of years ago “she would come into City with me I would meet up with Friend, and she would do something else, I would then meet up with her, and we would do something else and go home”.

I could even make a detailed plan of what I would do of a day on my own in City (sticking to areas, I know- Museum, bookstore, and restaurant) and they would still say “No”.

and what about the other things, like my parents getting mad at me for taking the buses home after doing exercise at the gym and after walking 34mins TO the gym? I was basically the ONLY person at the gym who had to walk to and from the gym, and it was annoying when you have gigantic boots on in the winter and the locker is small compared to lockers (at schools) I’m used too.

I think the Deaf community has other supports beside DSO/ASPW.

What kind of question is “What is Important about my home?”

Maybe the things you think it would be important to have in a home? Or what you currently appreciate about the home you have?

this are the subquestions:
. Location—community, neighbourhood, close to certain amenities?
With whom—roommates, alone, family, friends?
Type of home—house, condo, apartment, rent or own?
What to avoid in a home—stairs, loud neighbourhood?
. Important layout—accessibility, large bathroom?

1._walking distance to bank/library/stores/restaurants
2.I’m not sure if I’m want to live with anyone after ONLY living with my parents full time since I was 18. But I’m worried about being on my own overnight
3.I’m not sure, I used to think of renting an apartment but both it and a condo, seem to be out of reach at the moment do to (finical, from a different branch of government then the other fincial support) and I have always lived in a house so moving to smaller quarters might be diffcult for me
4.I’m not sure what kind of neighbour I would want, I might be put out by being around kids, and I don’t have kids yet, but I don’t really want to be around older folks for a LONG time ie a seniors centre until I’m a senior myself (if ever).
5.That whatever I have have more then one bathroom, especially if I’m sharing it with someone else. Oh and also that if I’m sharing the space with one or more people that either a)They have sense enough not to talk in whatever room, my computer is in (which is hopefully NOT my bedroom)- or b)I have some quiet space in the place somewhere far away from the person on the phone

Ah, so that’s what you think is important to have in a home. That’s really weird phrasing, though.

Walking to & from the gym was a dumb idea. Like you said, it made your exercise program much harder.

I suspect there was something going on that made your father so worried about your health that he couldn’t see that it was too hard. Or maybe he is really bad at setting goals and making plans. Does he make plans for himself that are also super ambitious and unlikely to work?

Dad;s plans:

don’t know about him. Actually, change that- when I was about 7-8 (maye 9) years old he put the base of what was using to be toolshed out in the backyard, but he never finished it, instead it’s the storage area for wood for our fireplace. And about 3 summers ago, he was going to replace the wood in our balcony outside the window/door near me, but then he realized he needed to do the roof again and he need the balcony to do that. As fall as I know he has only like completed two jobs in my life time the flower bed outside the front of the house, and the two garden boxes in the backyard. (and that doesn’t count, what happened BEFORE I was born, our original pool being put in, and the house’s library). And one of the overhead lights in the kitchen (the one closer to the counter) kind of “went out” during the summer, and he didn’t get around to fixing it until like 2 weeks before the Holidays. Most of the toilets in our house are getting old and until two weeks before Mom’s birthday- we had a wooden toilet seat on the main toilet upstairs (Which was a bit wobbly)-but Dad took it off and replaced it (it was only supposed to be temporary) with a plastic seat which Mom didn’t want to have on back in March and we STILL have the plastic toilet seat on the main toilet upstairs. I think Mom owes me $25 because I told her that by Christmas, that Dad still wouldn’t put the wooden toilet back on /s And we also have an outlet problem with an outlet on the wall in the kitchen which he hasn’t fixed yet

Dad’s behaviour Part 1:
I mean when I walked to the gym. I had only two routes, go up three hills and walk over an overpass bridge (it had sidewalks but there’s a hazard there). Or I could walk over two hills, and an overpass and then go through (Commuter train) station, and through the other parking lot of the train station and across the street to the ice rink (of the ice rink park) and one year -there was work on the last road on Route 1…and I was walking on route 2 (which is normally my walk HOME if I don’t take the bus home)-and it started to rain someplace near the local elementary school, I had a cellphone, and I called Dad, and he yelled at me about “walking backwards”

Dad’s decisions:
Speaking of 'decisions"- I been helping him with grocery shopping since 2nd week of Nov-what I’m really sick of his Dad “parking” me near the cash registers when he’s not ready to check out at (Store 1) or near the pharmacy of (wholesaler store) since in both of those cases either a) in the first situation, a customer might thing I’m in line or b)a pharmacist or a customer might thing I’m in line in the 2nd situation. He parked me in an aisle at (Store 3) today and totally forget he did that, until I caught up with him another aisle over.

I talked Dad into getting ONE Cheeze-It flavor of cracker for Mom which the store (Store 4) had and our local store (Store 3) didn’t. But Dad didn’t like paying $2.99 for it. (I would have liked to stock up on them for Mom).

Dad’s Behaviour Part 2:

I went to get my lunch right now… and because of my brand of bread being stuck at the back of the fridge- I accidently knocked two milk bags out of the one big milk bag and Dad YELLED at me for it. Saying something about “You know what will happen if the milk bags RUPTURES on the floor!” But its not the first time something like that happened and milk bags have never raptured on Mom or I. But I couldn’t really stop the milk bags from falling out when my one hand had my brand of bread bag and the other hand had half or 1/3 of a Cantaloupe in it. I didn’t really have any hands left to stop the milk bag from falling out. So after being yelled at, is it any wonder, I got pissed off with Dad telling me to move the bread out of water chicken sealed in plastic tray was in and then Dad was telling me off for being in a bad mood about the telling off about the water?

Parents’ Behaviour:

And years ago back when we first started using grated Parmesan cheese (or at least Mom was) because whomever was the last person to use it, didn’t close the bloody container properly, and I went to do something (make lunch) and the Parmesan cheese fall and spilled almost all over the floor and BOTH parents yelled at me for that and “it was expensive”.

Dad’s Behaviour Part 3:
And this is the same Dad who got some kind of “Red Pepper dip” some summers ago to use on his bread, and two days before I needed to make lunch, I guess he used, it and didn’t close it properly, so when I went to make lunch it like the Parmesan cheese fall out of the fridge and spilled on the floor which I THEN cleaned up. And I kept asking Dad “if he had used it recently” (Ie since he brought it home from the store) and Dad kept repeating something like “not today” which didn’t answer the question. Dad’s notarius for not putting the lids on properly on his stuff.

And sometimes in the summer if Dad has gone fishing and gets a fish- and we have fish for supper. Dad always asks me why there is bread on the table Geeze he been asking me that for years its gets tiring.

which my wording or the questions?

The question’s wording. It’s too ambiguous.

yeah tell me about it. I mean could they please speak English? Or use examples of what they’re trying to ask?