Queer/Mental & Physical Health AMA

Idk if anyone’s actually interested but I thought that maybe my experiences with mental health, neurodivergence, chronic illness, being fat, and queer identity may be useful as education and just for those curious about those topics. I am a person who finds comfort in labels, and therefore has quite a few. I will add an extensive list of all the things I am comfortable disclosing, which is pretty much most things, as well as some related topics that I think are relevant. Especially considering this is for education, I will also assume any questions asked are in good faith unless it is impossible to do so, even if said questions contain harmful ideas in some capacity, because breaking down stereotypes and stigmas is very important.

As an aside since this will be a long post, feel free to ask for definitions. I will make a separate reply with definitions for terms that aren’t well known, but I may miss some.

Queer identities: I use lesbian/gay/bi/pan/omni fairly interchangeably to describe my capacity for attraction to different genders, for multiple reasons. I also use asexual/aromantic/aplatonic for these purposes as well, with the microlabels demi, grey, and myr (a niche label that has nothing to do with my name) for each. I am genderfluid nonbinary, and use multigender, trans, xenogender, and possibly other labels I’ve not yet encountered or am forgetting. My preferred trans label is transandrogenous and/or altersex, though transmasc and transfem both can apply due to also being intersex. I will also use queer and genderqueer as general labels, and genderf*ck and gender noncomforming for presentation. I do experience dysphoria and euphoria related to gender.

Related to aspec (asexual/aromantic) identities and intersex: I am hypersexual, referring to libido, into kink, and an amateur sex worker. I am willing to answer even nonrelated questions about this that don’t violate forum guidelines, though I’ll make it clear now that my stance on kink is that play or kink where all parties are adult and consenting with no unhealthy power dynamics is not morally wrong, and that while certain topics are squicky or triggering to me I don’t take moral issue with any kind of fiction. I think another tangential aspect is that I am an infant CSA survivor, which is part of what has shaped my views on this, and I can go into more detail about why if anyone asks.

Neurodivergence, mental health, and mental illness: Now, what is included under the neurodivergent/neurodiverse (ND) umbrella will change depending on who you ask. Some will include all personality disorders, from OCD to NPD, while others will only include autism, ADHD, and very closely related types of neurodivergence. For the sake of simplicity, I will just put them all together in this umbrella category, though I want to make a note that I don’t describe most of my diagnoses as illnesses, or conditions, and only some as disorders or disabilities based on how they affect my day to day life.

I am autistic and ADHD. I have official diagnoses of both as well as of major depressive disorder, severe generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder and complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and borderline personality disorder.

I am also currently seeking a diagnosis of OSDD (otherwise specified dissociative disorder, a subtype of DID) or possibly DID (dissociative identity disorder); possible depersonalization-derealization disorder if the extent is more than is covered by a dissociative identity diagnosis; and have recently become aware of the fact that one or more of the alters may also have narcissistic personality disorder. I was not aware of this when adamantly defending my friends with the disorder, but my opinion has not changed, whether coming from the alters with it or without it. It is scary to admit, though, with the massive negative stigma against especially NPD, and I wonder sometimes if I wouldn’t be able to help fight that stigma more by not saying so. Those of you that have seen me around the site more extensively do know what kind of person I am though, and if nothing else I think that will help.

Some tangential things to this: I have been suicidal and have attempted previously. I have struggled with self-harm. I will ask as these are potentially very triggering topics for multiple people to not ask questions about the details of methods, but asking about my mental state at the time or how I prevent/avoid it is fine. I was a victim of infant physical abuse and neglect as well as the above mentioned CSA, my adoptive mother was extremely emotionally abusive in adulthood with red flags throughout my childhood/teenage years, and I’ve experienced abusive behavior from two other people I considered to be friends at the time due to not recognizing it. Aside from my birthmother, the three others relied on gaslighting, which apparently I’m susceptible to -_- Also, I am a disordered but mixed origin system, both of which will be defined in the definition reply.

Other pending health and related stuff: I am fat, but most of my health conditions are due to a mix of genetics and weight cycling/unhealthy fad diets forced on my by my mother. I could go on about fatphobia (and the related topics of healthism and eugenics) but I’ll leave it up to people to ask questions unless anyone would like me to write a more in-depth piece about it. I have chronic pain - most likely a mix of fibromyalgia and very short achilles tendons. I have massive GI issues and food sensitivities, likely a mix of MCAS (mast cell activation syndrome), the more aggressive form of fatty liver disease, (which has not improved when I have lost considerable weight in the past, also there’s a specific name that I keep forgetting -_-) and possibly some bullshittery from my body that doesn’t fall under any of those categories. I am working on correcting severe vitamin D and B deficiences as well.

(Be back with definition reply after a short break)


I’ll start the ball rolling if that’s alright?

How long did it take for you to discover your identity?

Are you comfortable with your identity and, if so, how long did it take to get comfortable with it?

Finally, what is the myr label?

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What are your pronouns? How did you decide on them?

What are the five misconceptions about any of your identities that bother you the most? (Fewer than five is okay if you can’t think of that many right now)

Are you/your alters comfortable with an introduction?

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Also what’s the definition of kink? Is there a difference between the label and just liking it a bit rough?

These are some fairly easy ones to answer! I was 22 when I discoveres my identity, kinda all at once. My partner (before we were together) came out as trans and I was kinda like “wait, I fully recognize her as the woman she is and am still madly in love with her”. So there was pan. Then a few months later we were playing minecraft with a transmasc friend of ours and I was talking about “I know I’m a woman and only a woman but also woman feels so limiting and I feel like more than that but I’m cis!” and my partner (Kara) said “uh-huh” so sarcastically that the very next day I was like “so uh yeah I’m not cis”.

Then as I helped my partner figure out she was arospec (aromantic spectrum) I also realized I was on the aro and ace spectrums (which turns out she is on both as well, she just realized the grey ace part later). Intersex was just kinda like “oh this condition I already have is intersex? Neat.” And I just kinda kept picking up shiny shiny labels that I liked. It took a while longer only to use the trans label. I didn’t realize my partner and I were t4t (two trans people dating) until after I was already on T (testosterone), although I think I would have said I was trans before that.

I have to say most of the time, as long as I’m not really depressed, I am comfortable with my identity, and when I’m not it feels like a self-harm thing? The main barrier I feel like is just societal acceptance. I’m okay with who I am but often have to hide it at risk of being in emotional or even physical danger. :confused: It took the longest to get comfortable with being pan - I did have some adjustment to the gender stuff but I do laugh looking back about how the initial “egg crack” was quite literally overnight.

And the myr label (ahaha I forgot to do definitions yesterday, oops). It just means experiencing multiple ace identities at the same time (I think? a similar term might exist for aro?). I used to use Myrsexual to describe my unique orientation as an individual so I was both a little excited and a little grumpy to discover that it was an existing label. Not as grumpy as discovering that genderfae and faegender both refer exclusively to a nonmasc spectrum of genders with never ever experiencing masc genders - while I have a fae xenogender/am fae otherkin.

(A note: otherkin is very often made fun of when people are attacking xenogenders. “Oh, so you believe you’re actually [x thing]? Hahaha loser.” However, a person who acknowledges that they have a human body but feels they are nonhuman is hurting no one, not even themself. It’s actually common for people with dissociative identity disorders to not have human alters, so aside from just being not nice it can often be ableist. I don’t think anyone here would do this, it’s just something to be aware of that happens.)

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Pronouns: Fae/Faer and They/Them are my main ones. I have a list of others that I like, though basically any are okay (I just prefer not to have she or it used without prior permission). Fae because of, as I mentioned in a different reply, fae xenogender/fae otherkin, and they as a relatively safe default in unsafe areas that still isn’t misgendering. Some others I like though are hex/hexa/hexaself (based on hexagons), luna/lunas/lunaself, star/stars/starself, bug/bugs/bugself… I’m actually in love with neopronouns but never brave enough to ask people to use any other than fae, mainly because I don’t want to inconvenience anyone.

Five misconceptions is easy since there’s a lot, I’ll just pick roughly one from each category…

  1. Ace/aro does not always mean sex/romance repulsed. Identities like grey and demi, and even simply ace people who experience no attraction but are willing to have sex for other reasons, like intimacy, etc, exist. Plenty of aro people and ace people are happy to have partners as well, sometimes queerplatonic and sometimes labeled as romantic/sexual by their partner despite not experiencing that attraction with their consent. This is actually why I feel the concept of willing consent is so important - an ace person might not be enthusiastic but a sex-indifferent or sex-favorable ace might still be perfectly willing to engage in sex (and some may be enthusiastic, again demi/grey are good examples of someone who may.

  2. Nonbinary is not a third gender, nonbinary is a spectrum of infinitely many genders minus the two binary genders, although multigender or genderfluid people may experience binary genders within their being nonbinary. For example, even when I’m a binary man, I’m still a nonbinary person overall. On a related note, bi is not enbyphobic and pan is not biphobic. Bi means two or more gender attraction and pan means all gender attraction without preference. A person who experiences attraction to all genders could use bi and pan. Also, bi doesn’t have to be “I like men and women”. The bi lesbian label, for example, is generally used to describe attraction to two or more genders that aren’t men or masc, though people who support that label literally don’t care how you use it as long as you have some queer attraction to women - even if you like men too or even are transmasc. I could go WAY more into that one but I digress.

  3. NPD is not inherently abusive, using narcissism as a derogatory word is ableism, and people with NPD are far more likely to be abused than abusers. Lack of empathy does not imply lack of compassion and, leaving those of us with NPD out, the people I’ve met with it have without fail been some of the kindest, most selfless people I’ve met. (I just blocked 60+ people I was following or that were following me on twitter for this. Some may have just been misusing it from ignorance but one person said that while armchair diagnosing NPD was ableist, it was ableist in the same way as armchair diagnosing pedophilia. Another after talking about the extremely harmful and ableist concept of narcissistic abuse said “I’m a mental health advocate so don’t come at me with ‘that’s ableist’, people with untreated NPD abuse and gaslight lots of people who get hurt”. Yeah, a mental health advocate like Buck Angel and Blaire White are trans activists. -_- Being shitty to some of the most universally attacked and vulnerable people is not advocating for anyone. Narcissistic abuse doesn’t exist and labeling abuse as based on a PD is harmful.

  4. With my alters, they are almost all people (some are either fragments or prefer not to be referred to as such). Dissociative identity disorders are not delusions. You may catch us switching between “I” and “we”; this is because OSDD/DID are masking disorders, similar to autism, and we generally even now stick to singular pronouns for safety. Some of us also prefer to use I for individuality or similar reasons, while some of us actually front less because we specifically don’t like singular pronouns for the same reason. When we do front and have to use I, it doesn’t feel good. We’re a polyfragmented system, meaning there’s relatively a lot of us and we also share some degree of access to memories and feelings and such. This is why many systems will call themselves “plural” - multiple people, one body. We are also a disordered system, with “mixed origin” - some of us formed through trauma and others through nontraumatic means. Some people don’t support nondisordered systems, which is more pluralphobic than the literal DSM-V (not good, as that book is already intensely ableist) or nontraumatic systems/system members (not good either). It’s just medical gatekeeping which is never good.

  5. Being overweight isn’t inherently unhealthy up to a sizeable (heh) extent, weight is almost entirely based on factors beyond most people’s control, intentional weight loss is almost always unhealthy, weight cycling is extremely common with intentional weight loss and is ALWAYS unhealthy. People can actually be very in shape and fat (I can’t say that I am, but I’m working on it), and fatphobia is far more harmful than being overweight will ever be.

As for alters, honestly being a big system is frustrating because we don’t really know most of us yet. I can introduce a few:

Fox, a middle/ageflux (so generally an older kid but ages can change) who is fairly serious, he/they pronouns to my knowledge

Unnamed person: Trauma-holder and persecutor who has not given me a name yet, fronts when badly triggered and when shey (pronoun mashup of she and they, shey/herm/sheir) do shey often can’t feel anything

The autodriver: A robot/program that is a driving subroutine. It also seems to have a crush on data from star trek which we find adorable.

Those are the ones I know most well. We’re still kind of reeling from the realization that Myr may be a “shell alter”, meaning not a person themselves but simply a mask that other alters have used to appear like a “singlet” (a non-plural person). And lots of us *glares* don’t like giving our names or any info about ourselves.

I also am aware of several different types of alters, including fictives. I don’t think I have any (I forget the term, but alters who are essentially copies of real people, sometimes even celebrities), but as long as people that do aren’t committing identify theft it’s not wrong to have those. Also, one of the fictives is apparently a vocaloid OC essentially that I wasn’t even aware of yet -_- THAT one likes to annoy us.


So, I’ll do my best to define kink. The definition that I use is essentially “a reoccurring interest/engagement with something that brings you pleasure”. I like this definition specifically because it doesn’t have to be sexual pleasure. I have nonsexual kinks; for example, I consider some of my favorite sensory stimming behaviors to be kinks. I don’t consider everything that gives pleasure a kink, so I do wanna tighten up that definition at some point, but… basically, kink is a nice label in that it’s flexible, so you can decide whether it applies or not.

Rough sex, even lightly rough sex, can absolutely be a kink if that’s how you label it. Kink can be anything from hardcore BDSM to a foot fetish to roleplay to one of my personal faves, softdomming (being a very gentle, often comforting and praising dom - which also praise kinks are really fun).

The rule of kink is basically - if it’s safe, sane, and consenting, it’s good. I can actually go into more detail about safety and consent in kink if people would like because it’s very, very important.


Thanks for your replies. They’ve been very informative!

With regards to your amateur profession, how did you enter that line of work?

What does your partner think of that aspect of your life?

How do you meet clients and is there a particular subsection that you cater for?

Is it well paid?

So basically, I started by having a blog on tumblr, and eventually moved into producing my own video and photo content, some for some rather niche kinks. My partner is awesome and fully supports it, the only boundary she has is basically “don’t catch feelings” which, being arospec, is not hard. Clients again, since I do virtual stuff, is mainly just over social media. Right now it would almost be more accurate to say I’m a sex hobbyist, as I haven’t made even $50 yet, but that may change as I build up a following, particularly if I can find a safe avenue to do in person work. Luckily in my area there are some.

It’s funny because I actually view sex work a lot like knitting. Sometimes I do commissions, sometimes I do stuff for free to either build a following or just make stuff, but unlike knitting the effort is more manageable. The field is somewhat oversaturated rn, but if I can find a good niche I definitely think I could make a career out of it.

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