Two male customers are enjoying their brunch, occasionally giving each other pecks on the lips. Another customer at a nearby table approaches them.

Other Customer: “Excuse me, but could you stop doing that? This is a family place, and you’re making me uncomfortable.”

Gay Customer #1: “You’d like us to stop doing what? Enjoying our eggs?”

Other Customer: “You know… the gay stuff.”

Gay Customer #2: *To his partner* “Honey, he’s obviously talking about your order of the fruit salad.” *To the other custome.* “I’m sorry, sir, I’ll make sure he orders the hetero-hash from now on.”

Other Customer: “Look, I know how you types like to be sassy, but I’m just nicely asking.”

Gay Customer #1: “You still haven’t told us what you’re ‘nicely’ asking of us.”

Other Customer: “Look, we just don’t believe in gay people, so—”

Gay Customer #1: “Oh, my God! You don’t believe we exist?!”

Gay Customer #2: “Honey! Nooo! Stop just ordering the salad! You’ve lost so much weight that you’ve stopped existing!”

Other Customer: “You know what I mean! Please stop with the indecent displays, or I’ll have to call over the manager!”

Luckily, I’ve been witnessing the entire conversation, and I’ve called the manager over preemptively. The manager has been present for the last few exchanges.

Manager: *To the other customer* “Sir, I am the manager here. Can you please sit at your table and enjoy your meal silently?”

Other Customer: “You need to ask those two gentlemen to leave! They’re being indecent!”

The manager looks at the two gay men and then back at the other customer.

Manager: “I can’t kick them out, sir. They don’t exist.”

Other Customer: *Shouting now* “That is not what I meant, and you know it!”

Manager: “Okay, sir, I’m done. Please pay for your food and leave.”

Other Customer: “I will not be paying for food at a place that tolerates [homophobic slur]s!”

Manager: “And we don’t tolerate people who do not pay for their food… and neither do the police. Will I be calling 911?”

The other customer stares down at my manager but eventually tosses a couple of bills on the table and gathers up his wife and child.

Other Customer: *As he’s storming out* “This place is disgusting!”

My manager waves him goodbye and then turns to the gay couple.

Manager: “Sorry about that, gentlemen. Can I offer you a free dessert for the trouble?”

Gay Customer #1: “I guess we could exist again for a bowl of ice cream…”

They became two of our favorite new regulars!

I am a security guard at a sports stadium during a busy event. An angry-looking customer has left his seat and found me in the concourse.

Customer: “There are two perverts making a display of themselves for all to see!”

Shocked, I follow him and start looking around. I see no evidence of a “perverted display”. I ask him for details.

Customer: *Pointing* “Those two men! Right there!”

Me: “They’re just sitting down during halftime, sir. What am I supposed to be seeing here?”

Customer: “Well, they’re not doing it now, but earlier one got down on his knee and proposed to the other! At a football match! That’s obscene!”

Me: “So, you’re saying the perverted display was a couple getting engaged in public?”

Customer: “These two men should not be promoting their choices in front of a crowd, especially my children!”

Me: “Ah… So, it’s homophobia, then.”

Customer: “It is not homophobia, but they’re ramming it down our throats! All the time! I’m sick of seeing it!”

Me: “But you wouldn’t have had an issue if the couple proposing in front of everyone was straight?”

Customer: “Well… I…”

Me: “Sir, what I do next based on your complaint means you need to answer me honestly right now. Would you have an issue with any couple getting engaged at the stadium, or is it just that particular couple?”

Customer: “Look, I can see what you’re trying to do. I can see that you’re not sympathetic to my values so I would like to talk to the guy in charge.”

Me: “In charge of security?”

Customer: “Yes!”

I comply with his request and call over the head of security who is, by her own admission, the “butchest lesbian on the East Coast”. She is terrifying when she wants to be, and after I tell her why I have called her over, she comes by on a rampage. As soon as she approaches, I introduce her to the customer.

Customer: *To me* “This is the head of security?!”

Me: “As requested!”

Security Manager: “So, you’re the one whose masculinity was attacked by two men finding happiness?”

Customer: “That is no way to professionally deal with a complaint!”

Security Manager: “If you had a complaint, then I would take it seriously. You have a prejudice, and those I will mock like the useless wastes of oxygen that they are. Now, will you shut up and enjoy the second half of the game, or will I be doing some escorting today?”

The customer glares at us both but says he will try to focus on the game despite the obscene displays.

Security Manager: “Excellent! I’m going to enjoy watching the game myself from riiiiiight here, just to make sure that all our valued guests can also enjoy the rest of the game without anyone causing a scene.”

She does as she said she would, and the bigot leaves his seat a few minutes before the end of the game. He mutters something about sexuality being a choice and how we shouldn’t defend that choice.

Manager: *Shouting out to him as he leaves* “Oh, my God! It’s a choice! Why didn’t you tell me? That would have saved me years of homelessness after being kicked out! Wow… I learned something new today!”

I love working with her.

I have a fourteen-year-old car that still runs well, but it developed a slow oil leak. Eventually, the leak got worse. I recently moved to a new town, so I needed to find a good mechanic. I found a place nearby, but they wanted me to leave it in the morning. This worked for me, and I had a coworker take me to work and back.

The mechanic said that I needed the valve cover gasket and the oil pan gasket replaced, and since they were difficult to get to, it would cost me $1,600. I was a little shocked, but since I didn’t know much about cars, I figured this would be okay.

I told him I’d bring my car back out in a few days (so I could arrange for the funds).

I mentioned this to a friend of mine. He also didn’t know much about cars, but he felt suspicious. I decided to get a second opinion from another nearby mechanic, who happened to have the same last name as the first mechanic. He inspected my car and quoted me $525.

Me: “Wow, the last guy who checked it told me it would be $1,600.”

Mechanic #2: “Who was it?”

Me: “[Mechanic #1], out there on [Road].”

Mechanic #2: “Oh, that’s my cousin. I don’t have any business with him. Now you know why.”

I was grateful for my friend’s instincts. I might have paid three times as much as I should!

Back in the days of cable TV and satellite dishes (the early 1990s), I am a tech who is usually called to handle the more complicated issues. I get a call from a manager who works with my direct manager, who is retiring.

Manager: “We need you to do a hard reset on [Customer]. [Call Centre Manager] left a note on the account to specifically call you.”

I log in and see that it’s full of notes of the worst kind about this customer. Over the years, he has been abusive, racist, and sexist, but mostly homophobic. Every time he gets a male worker at the call centre, he calls them homophobic slurs of the vilest kind. How this customer’s account hasn’t been closed by now is beyond me.

Me: “Why? What happened here? His account is a mess.”

Manager: “It was [Call Centre Manager]. He seems to have… been creative on his last day before retirement last week.”

As I am friends with that old call centre manager, I call him and ask for an explanation.

Call Centre Manager: “I totally did not remote into a customer’s cable box with a generic tech support password, put in a parental lock, hide all channels except for a very nice adult entertainment channel, and then leave.”

Me: “I see. So, you absolutely did not leave this homophobic customer’s cable service locked into only, and absolutely only, the gay adult channel?”

Call Centre Manager: “I absolutely did not do that. No. See you at my retirement barbeque on Saturday?”

Me: “I’ll be there!”

I have the misfortune of having a disgusting pervert for a coworker; he’s the kind who grabbed onto the phrase “locker room talk” and ran an Olympic marathon with it. As a fellow man, I have been an unwilling audience to his BS.

One day, I was in the break room with earbuds in, happily enjoying the latest video of the Puppy Bowl, when [Coworker] flumped down at the table and complained.

Coworker: “Look at this! Isn’t this just sick?!”

I was then treated to his phone, opened to a chat window, and shoved in my face. My puppy-endorphined brain got whiplashed by not one, but two d**k pics.

Me: “Dude. Bruh. Why are you…?”

Coworker: “Some chick sent them to me!”

Now I paused, a little intrigued and a lot amused. As stated above, [Coworker] is known for his shenanigans, and the idea of any woman turning the tables is enough to catch my attention. I paused my video, popped out my earbuds, and engaged in this conversation.

Me: “A woman sent you d**k pics?”

Coworker: “Just read it!”

I took his phone and scrolled. This was the text conversation, roughly, expanded from the typical chat abbreviations.

Coworker: “Hey, beautiful!”

Woman: “Hey.”

Coworker: “What are you doing?”

Woman: “Nothing at the moment. I have class at 11:00, but that’s it. How about you?”

Coworker: “Lying in bed, but I should be doing you. You’re so f****** hot!”

[Coworker] sent a d**k pic.

Woman: “Thanks.”

The woman replied with what I would guess was a Googled d**k pic from another man. Hilariously, it appeared to be larger than [Coworker]’s.

I struggled not to burst out laughing as [Coworker] promptly went off the rails in text.

Coworker: “WHAT THE F***?! WHY WOULD YOU SEND ME THAT?!”

Woman: “Because you sent me one. I mean, it’s only polite to send one back, right?”

Coworker: “I don’t want to see another man’s junk!”

Woman: “Well, why would you send me one, then?”

Coworker: “I thought you would like it!”

Woman: “Why? I never asked for one.”

Coworker: “Because women are [insult for promiscuous women] for my d**k on the Internet.”

Woman: “As demonstrated, I can find better.”

Then, there was a notification that the woman had blocked [Coworker].

I’m pretty sure my own eyebrows had been scorched by that sassy lady’s burn. I sat back and struggled not to laugh myself into a stitch in my side while handing the phone back to [Coworker]. 

Coworker: “What’s so d*** funny?”

Me: “She got you good, man. If you don’t want to get d**k pics, don’t send them out in the first place. And if you don’t want to be insulted that hard, definitely don’t give her an opportunity by bragging about your own.”

My break was now over, but somehow, I didn’t feel like it had been wasted. Despite the eyeball bleach that I may need later, it was worth it to read that exchange.

[Coworker] sulked for two whole days before returning to normal. I doubt anything was learned.