I have a Dad who is very frugal in my mind he’s a cheapsteak As I mentioned in at least one story on the forum- Dad had a hissyfit about what I was going to buy and drink at a mall for lunch. Since somehow he thought I could buy a lunch for $5(CD)
Another time I spend I think about $99.99 (CD) on various things at the mall. I just remember that the lunch was $15 (CD) but I got some books and two chocolate stuff-one was a bag for Mom (Mother’s Day was coming up) and chocolate pretzels for myself. Dad was fuming about the amount I paid for everything. When I asked Mom what his problem was and Mom said “if he had his way no one would buy anything” or something like that.
When my parents and I were in Germany-we got stuck having supper in one of the towns and we ended up having it at McDonald’s and Dad was grumpy the rest of the evening about “spending too much” (even though it was Mom’s money, not his or mine) at McDonald’s (I on the other hand was grateful, that I got to have pop unlike the water, water, water for most of the trip) and we could have gotten some kind of “street food” cheaper.
outside of the restaurant. At an earlier point he walked out of a Museum in Germany since he didn’t want to spend what we thought were two more Euros on a locker for his notebook (mom and I had already used two Euros for the one locker-which had our umbrellas and backpack in it)-so Mom had to chase after him and leave me with the tickets and waiting for them to return (to the point, I had to step out of line when I got to the front).
And I got a new case manager in late 2019. I meet with her twice. On one of the two times I was going to meet up with the case manager-Dad dropped me off at work and he asked “where is my lunch?” and I had to tell him that “Mom said I got get McDonald’s”. He also doesn’t want me to use my bank card more then 11 times because 12 and up times mean a fee is added.
Since last October or so I been watching Molly Burke’s videos on youtube. I mentioned in June(?) about wanting to buy merchandise to be able to support Mira foundation and Dad had a complete cow about it-like he wasn’t even listening to the fact the merchandise was going to be supporting someone ELSE’s ‘service dog’ (since I discover from Molly’s recent videos-that Mira foundation does mobility and autism training as well as blind training).
So If I want to talk to Mom about donating some money-I have to wait for Dad to leave the family room or something to discuss it with Mom since I know Dad will have a cow. So I did that today, and I was discussing the possibility about around Christmas time donating in my name some money for Mira foundation.
But the question is how do you guys deal with a frugal parent?
Ps. Moving out or “firing” my dad as a money manager isn’t currently an option
By doing what you want, if it’s your money. As long as you are paying your agreed rent etc. then I just don’t involve them in my financial activities.
Dad’s my money manager. He has been since I got a bank card
i can’t not now that I got the “community funding”. It just my parents don’t think I know the “vaule of a dollar”. But then Dad doesn’t either. He somehow thought the other year I could buy a lunch for $5.
Are there other ways to deal with a frugal parent espcially one who is one’s money manager and still be able to spend my own money?
Why can’t you? Does community funding require you to have someone else on the account?
yes- its either I manage my own community funding money or someone else does it. And since Dad was already dealing with my other money…that my parents thought it meant sense for Dad to just do the managing community funding money.
It doesn’t help that my parents think “I don’t know the value of a dollar” and they said that literally in my presence when trying to get me onto DSO and the community funding. But then Dad doesn’t know the value of a dollar either now since like I said in my OP he once thought I could buy a lunch in 2016 for $5 and even I knew better then that.
So that means that you’re allowed to manage your own money on your programs?
@KiannaMcDowell The community funding is a reimbursement program. You know how people have to send taxes by April and they get what is it receipts back or something? Think of something similar but the community is sort of similar but with more like a fiscal year? so I spend money on stuff (like when it might be more safe to go to a gym, I could take a bus or a taxi(?) to the local gym and not having to walk in both directions) and I could send in a “receipt” to the government with the amount of money I spend and they then somehow reimbursed me by putting the money back in?
Dad’s sort of like a small scale version of the family tax account that Dad gone to the last two years. Do I kind of make sense?
When we got the big envelope just over two weeks ago for the community funding there was a lot of forms in there. And one was about whom was do be my " community fund admin" there was either the choice of me doing it myself or a “family member/ friend/ or outside source” doing it for me. Since my father already been dealing with my other money sine I got a bank card my parents just thought it made “sense for Dad to be the fund admin” and we send it and a bunch of other forms back to the community funding folks
what is community funding
found what I was looking for:
Person managing funds
Okay. In that case, why can’t you take your father off your accounts and manage your money yourself?
my parents don’t think I know the value of a dollar that’s the bloody reason why Dad is my PMF for both community funding and other money… But when I lived in this house for 31 years? and for 8 years I was earning money by doing Sears Catalogue delivery. I got onto Disability income in late 2015 and I got a bank card the following year because I had to use it for lunch at a museum.
It’s too late to change it because we send the form back a little over two weeks ago. I just wish they had thought more thoroughly about it-since Dad’s not the best person to be my PMF because he’s so frugal (look at Original post) since he wouldn’t even want me to spend any of the community funding in the first place despite it being their for that exactly reason. And also I will have to go through a headache of a time, signing new forms if my parents kick me out.
And they also want me to learn a value of a dollar exactly how am I suppose to do that if I’m not managing my own funds?
But then these are the same bacon, bacon bacon parents who think that for an in-person bacon appointment that “I might not be able to understand the bacon doctor” which is why I need to have one of THEM be in the bacon doctor’s room w/ me. Excatly whom is suppose to be with me in the room when I’m in my 50s and 60s?
These are also the parents who in normal times don’t want me to go into (city) on my own due to police’s not understanding disabled people (as well as BIPOC but I’m not BIPOC) so are worried that I might get a meltdown in the city. Heck I could write a whole itinerary of where I would go in a day and they still wouldn’t let me go in normal times.
Like in normal times if I wanted to visit either of my city friends -Mom would literally accompany me to Toronto-I would meet up with whichever friend I was meeting and she would do something else and then Mom and I would meet back up.
Or the fact these are the parents who wanted me to walk to the gym in both directions because “it’s good exercise” as well as do exercise in the gym?
do these things tells you about my parents?
How about moving out? Does your local government offer housing assistance? I mean, it’s pretty much between forcibly removing your father from your income, somehow convincing your parents to be reasonable, or finding a way to move out.
Out of curiosity, have you ever asked your mom bluntly what’ll happen to you when she and your dad die?
Moving out isn’t currently an option for several reasons I can’t do my own hair (low motor skills and I get confused by the third first loop so moving out would mean having to cut my hair short and yet people in town recognize me by the braid+red hair) and since I was 10 (chemical imbalance incident)-except for two nights in 2012- I haven’t been on my own overnight I’m kind of hopping to fix that by being able to have some camping experiences to just do a bit of practice through community funding. Also I looked around and rent in my area is expensive- and a lot of the places require that “I have proof of a paying job” which I currently don’t and haven’t since even before Canadian Sears want belly-up.
Through DSO (Development Services Ontario) there’s three options: group homes (which are also transitional homes) that would be a first stop but my parents said “I wouldn’t be able to take my own computer” and “I would have to share a computer with a bunch of other people” but I could make my own lunch (without being judge -glares at my dad) and I could “help” with suppers with the staff in the group home. But I’m a bit of a rule-follower so my parents don’t think I would do so well in a group home (not to mention the noise) Then if I’m good enough I could move into an apartment with what’s Brits call a “flatmate”. Supported independent Living its called and there’s also the option of a “host family” (no thank you, I don’t want to go from one pan into another)
But your question I been worried about for ages and my parents said “they will take care of it” but what if they’re in an accident or something? But with DSO that is partly solved-I call the DSO number and tell them my parents aren’t around anymore? I wonder if I would also call them if my parents kicked me out? But then Mom’s deals with the disability side of things so I wouldn’t even have a cell phone to call. What am I suppose to do show up on one of my school friend’s parents’ door and ask if I could use their phones to call DSO? /s
There are machines that can braid hair for you. I can’t speak for their quality, but it seems like some are relatively cheap. Ponytails are also pretty close to braids, so you might still be recognized.
Have you verified what your parents told you about the computers? They don’t seem to have accurate ideas about everything. Plus, developmental disorders come with things like OCD and sensory disorders, so it seems weird that they wouldn’t have things set up to deal with that. (And even if noise is an issue, noise-cancelling headphones help a lot. I have sensory issues and horrible neighbors.) And how is following the rules a bad thing in a group home?
Maybe it would be a good idea to call or email the DSO and talk to them directly about your concerns. They might have some options that’ll work for you. The worst that can happen is that you waste a little time.
Even if I wanted a braid machine I don’t think my parents would get it for me since anything over $5 is expensive for them. But then we spend $700 every 3rd week for the Toronto Star.
No I haven’t checked to see what the DSO said about computers in group homes. February of last year I was going to stay a couple of days in a Crisis shelter just to have some experience being without a parent but still have a support in place but It never happened due to cris beds being full at the time (it was a program leader’s idea) and in that situation I would have to share a computer with others. But Mental Health Services isn’t the same thing as DSO
Looks like the cheapest hair braider I could find is $7 USD ($9 CAD). Maybe Freecycle or a similar organization has some.
Would your sister let you stay with her? That could be a way to get out of the house for a few days and still have some structure. And you could offer to cook for her or clean, so she also gets something out of it.
Those machines look like a huge knot waiting to happen.
With regards to money, I solved it as a kid by saving according to my parents wishes and once donating my entire savings to my mom for her birthday because I knew she struggled to put food on the table.
Later I had a non-money related clash which I solved by being more stubborn than her, I intentionally broke her spirit. I don’t recommend it, you will feel bad the rest of your life (even though I still stand behind my position on that issue).
I don’t know how to solve your problem, since you don’t control the money your dad is the one who gets to make the monetary decisions.
All that is left is malicious compliance and passive aggressive resistance. for example, you can always eat dry week-old bread while looking miserable and alone away from all the people actually enjoying their lunch. Basically take his principles and take them to eleven. If you cook for your parents, cook the cheapest meal you can find. I find shopping for cheap rice or noodles with a single vegetable is technically enough food to live on, but it is obviously poor-people food.
My sister lives in Port Credit and she only has one-bedroom apartment. Me and our parents live on one of the last towns on the Lakeshore East train line.
Also my sister is a very picky eater and I have no idea how to clean- I can use a broom and dust pans and brush but that’s about it. I would be able to take the Go train to her city but I wouldn’t be able to figure out how to get from the Train station to her place . But what if her boyfriend needs to stay over? That would be a bit awaked when there’s only one bedroom in the entire apartment-and I don’t know how well I can sleep on the couch.
PS. Living with my sister let’s just say it’s like the sibling relationship from Lillo and Stich movie of Lillo and her older sister. Very similar. And when I was 9 and my sister was 17 due to a “spoiled brat of an aunt” -my sister had to watch over me for a couple of weeks in the summer when our parents were abroad. It wasn’t the orignal plan. So I don’t want to repeat that experience again.
but my parents don’t have any “wishes for my savings”. I have so much money in the fucking bank that my Dad been moving it to a secret account for the pass year so I don’t get kicked off of Disability income. So that for the entire fucking summer- we could have gone out and brought a gaming computer with all that money I had in the bank but no we had to wait for the community funding. And mom still has to check her email so we can found the phone number for someone so we can finally found out if I can use the “community funding” money for a gaming computer or I can actually use my own money for it.
And dad’s the one who does most of the grocery shopping in the house. So that’s out of my hands as well. Mom does a little but Dad does most of the grocery shopping. So I can’t be passive aggressive about it.