Complaining About Home Life

@Stephen suggested I put this in its own thread because it didn’t belong in the one I commented in.

Sure, why not? Not like I’m doing anything productive today anyways. This comment is probably just gonna be me wallowing in self pity though.

For the most part it wasn’t anything physical, just that my family likes to tease me because my reactions are funny. I’ve been told many times that I need to stop reacting to stuff and then it’ll stop being funny and then they’ll stop teasing me in the first place, and yet I can never seem to get myself to behave properly. It’s always just stupid stuff anyways.

Like teasing me about how I’m the shortest one in the house despite all the years I was told I was going to be taller than my dad and then just wasn’t. I’ve 5’4’’ so I don’t think I qualify as short at all. One of my dad’s friend thought it would be funny to get me a blanket covered in the dwarfs from Snow White and then got offended when I didn’t like it. Because I’m apparently supposed to just roll with “Dwarf” being my nickname even though I hate it.

Or jokes about how if I mention anyone’s name and they don’t know the person it’s always “Oh is so-and-so your boy/girlfriend” despite knowing I have zero interest in dating anyone. Which might not be true but it’s easier to explain being ace as being not interested at all than consider whether or not I’m aro. I’m not allowed to complain about them asking it either because they’re being inclusive with considering girlfriend as a possibility.

Then there’s the teasing that get’s me to freak out in a “tizzy fit” as my dad’s friend called it. Which is basically my stimming more than usual with the hand flapping which is a bad-emotions-only stim and crying and all my words come out in a stupid whiny voice. Like the one time her daughter bought a couple of novelty keyrings than looked like genitalia and attached them to my stuff when I wasn’t looking. And then their all laughing as I’m trying to get the bloody things off without touching them. Like, they’re just keyrings so I know that physically touching them isn’t going to hurt me or anything. Did not appreciate being lectured about throwing my “present” in the bin. I had to give the friend’s daughter the pound they cost before they shut up about that one.

I’m also fussy about saliva and such so it’s supposedly really funny to lick cuterly before giving it to me and laughing at me when I change it to clean cutlery. Or using theirs to touch my food whether they’re actually planning on taking it or not, or letting the dogs like the side of the plate.

Or doing stupid stuff like putting my sausaged in my mash potatoes and even though it’s just a stupid little thing and I know it’s all going to be mixed together in my stomach seperately it’s still really annoying to have them in my potatoes and that if I try to remove them from the potatoes then my dad will pick them up and put them back. Even if I was the one who cooked and I served the food in the “normal” way I can’t leave my plate alone because I’ll come back to find my plate is the only one where the sausages have been moved to inside the potato just because it annoys me. I am so glad I don’t have to eat at the dining table now that I’m an adult.

And another stupid thing with messing with my books. I like to have the books on my bookshelf in order from first to last. I know it doesn’t actually matter in the grand scheme of things if they aren’t. But I used to come home from uni and the first thing I would do is check that my books are still in order, because my dad would go into my room while I’m out and rearrange them on me. I didn’t even need to be out. Sometimes he’d come in my room while I was there just to see if he could remove something without me noticing. And if I don’t notice the same day as he’s messed with them, I get loads of gloating about how it doesn’t actually bother me because if it actually bothered me I wouldn’t need to actively check to know something’s wrong.

Since I’m on books anyway, I have some manga. My dad refers to my manga as “colouring book” because there are black and white pictures in them. They are not meant to be coloured, and it’s really annoying that they he will only refer to them either as colouring books or by deliberately mispronouncing manga. Got sent into a stupid effing meltdown while I was uni before the first lecture of because I was sent a picture where his friend was actually colouring one in. Turns out they weren’t actually. They had photocopied a page, placed the photocopy on top of the manga, and we’re colouring in the copy, but I didn’t know that until I got home. And then I get teased about how I’m so stupid for thinking they’d actually follow through with that and how I have not common sense and such. I don’t think I’m stupid for believing they’d do the thing they’d been threatening for months.

Also the tickling. I hate the tickling. I’ve been told I wouldn’t get tickled as much if I didn’t react to it. I cannot stop the stupid laughter that is lying to them that I’m having a great time when I am actually really, really not. I used to kick and punch and everytime I would get lectured about how it’s not nice of me to attack people when they’re just playing. When I got big enough that my kicks and punches could actually hurt, I just got my legs sat on and someone would hold my arms and someone else would tickle. The only reason I didn’t resort to biting is because I knew I’d get in so much more trouble. Apparently I was supposed to just, not react at all? And it’s not even like I can complain about this one because I’m not innocent either because I’d join in when it was one of my sisters getting tickled against their wishes.

Last time I tried complaining about any of this to my dad, he told me about this time I don’t remember when I was three. Apparently he was telling me all about how there’s a lot of mean people in the world who will tease me, and so he’s going to tease me so I get used to it, and I agreed. I don’t remember agreeing to any of that. Even if I did remember, I was three! And I’m even though I kind of am used to it by now, I still can’t stop myself from reacting.

The only time any teasing got shut down was when my middle (the not sick one) sister was going to tease me about my phobia. My dad told her it was a rational phobia and not an irrational one so it would be mean of her to do that.

I know this is all stupid stuff that doesn’t even matter anyways. I don’t get why I’m so affected by it all.

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Thank you for posting this. Firstly, my apologies that this will be brief; I’ll try and do something a bit more substantial later after I’ve done all that I intend to do this evening.

Secondly, let me reiterate the point I made in the other thread: what has been done to you in these incidents is HORRIBLE. These aren’t pranks. At best, these can be described as bullying. At worst, assault, sexual harassment and psychological torture. I don’t know where you are in the world, so I have no idea if these would literally be breaking the law there, but certainly morally these actions are absolutely 100% wrong.

You have every right to complain.

I wish I knew what to suggest. At the very least, make a diary of these supposedly small events. Repeated little things build up, and even the strongest will crack. Do not feel ashamed of your feelings; you have every right to feel angry

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It feels weird to be thanked for complaining when I feel like I’m being a whiny little bit. Also feels weird to mention things that were/are just a normal part of my life and then people react like it’s not okay.

I really don’t think any of this can be called torture, I had an abusive parent who would fit that definition so in comparision complaining about anything else seems ungrateful to me (and I complain anyways, so… yeah). I’m in the UK if that is important at all.

I’m not sure angry is the right word either. Most of time I’m just annoyed/upset/tired. Sometimes I do get angry about stuff, but that’s more when I’ve gotten myself worked up over nothing as per usual.

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I agree with Stephen. You’d have every right to call these abusive.

If it was just a couple of these things, then yeah, that might be overreacting. But there are so many things on your list. This is a pattern of disregarding your boundaries by messing with your stuff, tampering with your food, forcing you to accept unwanted gifts. Like, they’re saying that their pleasure in doing these things is worth more than you. And every time, they blame YOU for it. They blame YOU for not liking the nickname they gave you, they blame YOU for pretending to destroy your property, they blame YOU for reacting to tickling when it’s designed to provoke that response.

I mentioned in the thread about your sister that your dad had some red flags. Like forcing everyone to walk on eggshells around him. How would he react if someone was giving him a nickname he didn’t like, or if someone started messing with his food or his stuff? Would he not react, like he thinks you should, or do you think he’d have a very strong reaction?

Out of curiosity, when your middle sister was teasing you and he shut her down, was that after she broke off from the rest of the family?

ETA: possibly helpful? #299: My family likes to play a game where they competitively insult me until I cry. Is this a legitimate problem? – CaptainAwkward.com

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I know it can feel strange and “whiny” to complain about it, because you’ve been taught that expressing annoyances and grievances is whining, but honestly these are all valid complaints.
Even if they were being harmlessly annoying, then they’re still being mean and worthy of complaining about because they refuse to stop doing it. It’s unfair for you to be the butt of their “fun”.
And most of this, I wouldn’t even consider it being harmlessly annoying.

I have plenty of family teasing, but all of these go past the line of “prank” where you are only mildly bothered and inconvenienced but can laugh, to regularly harassing you, if not straight up bullying.

I usually prefer to try suggestions on fixing things, but honestly I don’t know how I would deal with things if I were in your shoes. But I do know it helps to know that your complaints aren’t just vain fussing and are actual problems that should be accommodated.

Hopefully things will work out better, but do know you deserve better than that and deserve have your preferences at least acknowledged.

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That is an excellent link, and puts into words so much more eloquently than I can about how wronged @RebeccaBlue has been.

That tickle “game” is assault, pure and simple. Tickling is fun, if everyone consents. If the victim does not, that is assault.

The crude novelty keyring is bordering on sexual harassment.

Rearranging your belongings is bullying. Licking your cutlery is bullying. Doing stuff deliberately just to get a rise out of you is bullying you.

Telling you off for reacting afterwards is the mark of an abuser.

Once again, I really wish I knew what to suggest to get you out of this abuse. But please be assured that you are NOT overreacting.

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I know everyone is trying to be supportive and all, but it feels really wrong to call my dad abusive. I know that he cares about me and that he’s genuinely trying to do his best. He’s said many times how if he didn’t care then he’d never have stepped up and looked after us and we’d have been stuck in foster care. And he’s done a lot to make sure we were looked after. He’s made sure we know how to do stuff like cooking and laundry (as much as I don’t like doing chores, I do like that I can do them). So even if my complaints are valid, it feels really iffy for me to dare mention them.

I’ve never really had to worry about not having food to eat or a roof over my head, and quite frankly my family has a lot of luxuries considering we’re supposedly poor. When I was in a really bad place a couple years ago, he and his friend were the ones who got me home again and he handled talking to the police and lawyer and such for me when I wasn’t able to.

I’ve been told that they have to walk on eggshells around me too, because I react over every little thing. Like just this afternoon, I was going to ask him a question about dinner and before I get the question out of my mouth he asks me to put two slice of toast in the toaster for him. And I wanted to yell at him that no, my thing comes first. I managed to explain that I was in the middle of something and I’d get on that afterwards, but I was just trying to ask a question. But I know my tone of voice (something he constantly gets on my case about) was far too snippy for what should have been a simple request.

He does have very strong reactions about stuff. One time I forgot to put the house keys where they usually live, and when he noticed he set off the fire alarm (by pressing the button, not setting a fire) so I’d come downstairs immediately and then he was yelling at me about how we’re all going to burn to death because the keys aren’t where they should be and he can’t find them, and blocking me going into the living room where they were right there so I couldn’t just go and get them to give them to him. But at the same time, making sure we can leave the house safely is a lot more important than my stupid books being in the right order.

The middle one only broke off a couple months ago and she hasn’t come home for christmas yet and it was an in person thing so it would definitely have been beforehand. That phobia is only off topic because the egg donor used it to abuse me. So it’s not like I don’t know what actual abuse is. But on the other hand I barely remember what it was like to live with her and only know the reason why I have the phobia because I was told about it.

That link was confusing. It was kinda helpful and kinda wrong at the same time. Helpful because there was a lot of similarities but wrong because there were too many that were similar and they shouldn’t all fit. I’m just not liking what I’m hearing, aren’t I? Oh dear…

I don’t think I can pretend I’m the victim or anything here. I’ve joined in with the teasing when it was against my other sisters. If they were pinned and tickled and I was told to get her feet or something, I never stopped to think that maybe it wasn’t okay despite knowing I hated when it was me. I’ve thrown toy spiders at the little one despite knowing she doesn’t like them. I’ve stood too close to the middle one despite knowing that she hates me and will punch me if I’m too close, it was funny that my sister would get so worked up over me just existing, look at the bruise her punch left this one time isn’t that so cool and funny? It’s my own bleeding fault that she hates me in the first place because I couldn’t get it through my thick skull that my little sister really genuinely didn’t want me to hug her. Wasn’t until reading comments on the main NAR site that I realised that wasn’t okay. So why do I get to sit here and complain to you guys about all this petty stuff when I seriously disrespected her boundaries?

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I think it’s good you’re trying to look at things fairly and figure out what might be going wrong for both yourself and others.

I know it sounds a little demeaning (and potentially expensive/impractical if you’re an American like me) but maybe some family therapy would help?

Something where you all can figure out those boundaries and figure out how to get along a little better with each other and even make small efforts to getting a little more in synch and able to let things roll off your back better.

I can’t really contribute more than sympathy because my family dynamic is completely different so I don’t really know how to address it.

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You don’t have to call it abuse if you feel that word doesn’t fit. But you do have the right to call it that.

Isn’t all of what he’s doing what you’re supposed to do with kids? You’re supposed to keep kids fed and clothed. If you have kids, you have a responsibility to make sure they’re cared for, in one way or another. (If you can’t care for them, then foster care is a legitimate option, but if you can and don’t then it’s a problem.) It’s like advertising a car and the selling point is that it comes with tires. Though helping you out when you were in trouble is a good thing.

The anecdote about the keys is really bad. He actually set off the fire alarm in order to punish you? That’s a horrible idea! Firstly, setting off the fire alarm causes immediate panic. If you have pets or, say, a sick sister who may not be able to get out of the house quickly, then they would also be panicking. Second, if the alarm is hooked up to emergency services, they would be sending a truck to deal with it when they could be dealing with or preparing for legitimate emergencies. Third, if he does it too often, then the alarm becomes a crying wolf situation. And if you forgot about it once, that does not equate to always putting the keys in the wrong spot, so it’s not a legitimate emergency.
Why do you need the keys to get out of the house, anyway? Or is it one of those weird English houses that sounds like a deathtrap?

But my point stands: if these things are something that your dad would get angry about if it happened to him, then why is it wrong for you to get upset about them? At least what you’re doing isn’t as destructive as his unleashed anger.

As for what you’ve done as well? Yeah, that’s not okay. And it’s a good thing that you’re taking a look at that. But also, it sounds like your dad has gone to great lengths to persuade you that those are normal family things (even though they’re not), so I’d say that you and your sisters have a little more leeway than he does. And if it’s wrong for you to do those things to them, then isn’t it equally wrong for them to do them to you?

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He seems to be under the impression that most dads wouldn’t have done what he did, and that makes it super impressive that he actually decided to be a parent. Though at the moment the only person I can think of who confirmed he wouldn’t have been able to do that was my grandad.

I wasn’t really trying to say providing the food/clothes in and of themselves were what was more than expected. More that he taught us how to do it ourselves. There’s an anecdote I’ve been told (wasn’t there) where he was attending an assembly for the middle one’s school trip and it was mentioned the kids would need to cook their own tinned food, and most of them were shocked because they’d never had to do that before. Add in all the stories I hear about autistic kids being coddled so much they don’t know how to do basic chores as an adult, and it really does seem like a big deal that he had taught us those things.

He’s done the fire alarm thing a few times under the pretence of it being a drill, but usually he stops once he’s seen the three of us have responded. No actual use in being a drill if we haven’t practised who’s grabbing the dogs or my sister’s emergency medical equipment :roll_eyes: one time the crying wolf thing got bad enough that it took minutes for my sisters to respond to the alarm because they were trying to ignore it.

My “weird” English house is not a deathtrap if the keys are kept in the door like they’re supposed to be. Though the most frustrating thing about all that is the hypocrisy where we’re not allowed to leave them there if he is out of the house. The whole reason he claimed to have done the yelling was apparently because people get unpredictable in a panic situation so he was trying to simulate that to stress how important it is the keys are in the same place.

Things do seem very contradictory at times. Sometimes I try to point them out, but he has a million and one reasons as to why the situations aren’t the same. Like when he hasn’t eaten properly we’re supposed to know that he gets grumpy when he’s hungry and know better than to wind him up, but if I haven’t eaten properly it’s my own fault because I’m an adult who should know to feed themself so I’m not allowed to take my mood out on other people because I’ve caused my bad mood myself. Surely it should be in both cases that we’re responsible for our own bad moods? But he says some stuff about how he’s so impressed with himself for keeping this calm all lockdown and how we don’t appreciate something or other and it all sounds so very convincing when he’s talking it at me.

On the bright side, most of his antics have stopped now that he’s found himself a hobby outside of the house and is barely home.

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I really hope, your house isn’t too close to the street because having keys in the door is basically an invitation for an intruder to come in regardless of weather’s anyone is at home or not.

Dad’s really seem contriditaclly “do what I say, not what I do” don’t they? . My father had cows for years about me 'eating high calorie crap" and yet I had seem him at times sneaking a handful of party mix chips from the party mix bag. But your dad makes mine seem like an angel in comparison.

For whatever it may be worth: Family dynamics often suck, and they usually suck worse when one or more parental figures are under a ton of stress and not always dealing with it well, as it sure sounds like is the case for your father. Maybe his new hobby is also helping him deal with his stressors a bit better.

I think what KiannaMcDowell said is pretty spot on. I would add that it’s very, very possible to love people and do good things for them and yet not always treat them very well. My mother did a lot of really good things in childrearing, and some really horrible ones that left both physical and emotional scars. That she loved us didn’t negate the negative, and the negative didn’t negate the positive but it sure gave it some shadow.

It’s pretty terrific that despite having grown up with so many not-great things normalized (and a whole lot of stressors yourself!) you’ve the perception and thoughtfulness to reexamine them – a lot of people never do that. Kudos to you.

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So, I grew up in a teasing household, and my spouse and I tease each other regularly, but the thing about teasing playfully is that you accept that you’re going to sometimes missread cues or misstest boundaries and you’re going to at some point legitimately upset the person you are teasing.

and when you do that, it’s your fault and not the fault of the person you are teasing, and it’s on the teaser to apologize and make things right.

that’s how we’ve always done it.

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As for the thing about autistic kids being coddled, that’s uh. that’s uh. well, that’s not an opinion that is backed up by any studies which mostly show that autistic kids learn best when treated gently, just like non autistic kids.

I learned how to cook at a very young age because i’m autism spectrum and I find following simple linear instructions to be relaxing. even now i’ll soft-boil eggs or make small cucumber sandwiches when stressed.

I know that the really bad kids are hard to interact with, but… ‘not coddling’ them is very much the opposite of a solution. it’sa way to make the problem worse.

that being said I think one reason people are less capable these days is that, when they asked their parents to teach them things they were told they were too young and by the time they were old enough they had learned not to ask

This has just been published. Yours, I’m guessing?

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Is it that obvious? :sweat_smile:

On the bright side, the better aunt has given me some great advice and I’m gonna try and book a therapy consultation thing when the doctors is open tomorrow.

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I’m sorry that day turned out that way. But it doesn’t seem like there was ill-will somewhere, just bad organizing and communications. It made me happy that you bought the fox :slight_smile:

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Your sister is very lucky to have you!

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What I’m seeing here is that your family has a habit of ignoring your feelings and then acting like it’s your fault for being upset even though they’re the ones that knowingly ignored your feelings. Whether it’s abusive or not, it is still bullying and it’s not okay.

To clarify here, just because something may not bother them, doesn’t mean it’s not allowed to bother you. People are allowed to feel different ways about the same things. You are allowed to feel upset about things even if other people don’t think those things are a big deal. Honestly, it sounds like you’ve been dealing with this situation for long enough that it has been normalized to you as if it’s something you just have to deal with, and I think it would be useful to talk it through more often with a friend or someone who’s more neutral in the situation and has an outside perspective (possibly a therapist as someone above suggested) so that you’re not beating yourself up for being upset over things that other people tell you that you shouldn’t be upset about or because it could have been worse and you “should be grateful” or whatever BS people use to justify their bad behavior. If possible, it might also do you some good to put a little more distance between yourself and your family members who treat you this way.

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I think you’re right about me having normalised stuff. I’ve only really noticed now that I’ve started talking about little things and then can’t stop myself from going on tangents to the bigger things. Like on Sunday I finally thought to ask someone (my aunty) if it was normal for him to have banged our heads together. She asked me “Wait, did you mean literally?” And then we talked about how that is not okay.

She also said after me and my sister ranted to her on Friday night that if she didn’t know the context, she would have gone straight to social services. So I guess that means certain things are pretty bad even if the situation as a whole is barely acceptable.

Sometimes I find myself perversely wishing he was worse. Because if it was worse, then I’d clearly know things are bad and then I’d know what to do. But actually, I probably would have just internalised the worse behaviour as normal instead so it’s probably better it isn’t any worse.

Had a stupid big argument with my dad last night. The rest of this comment is probably going to be me ranting about that. I should’ve just insisted that I was fine. I know how he gets when I try to talk about mental health, and I made the mistake of mentioning I was trying to get an appointment at the doctor’s anyways. He even seemed to take the news well at first. “Because you think you’re depressed?” “Um, possibly…” “Okay.”

But then he started telling me all the reasons that won’t work. Except according to him, that wasn’t what he was saying? It was confusing the heck outta me. He told me that there’s only two things the doctor’s will suggest, counselling or antidepressants.

Then telling me I know how badly the counselling went last time, when all the guy wanted to talk about was suicide prevention except I wasn’t suicidal and that made me feel like I was wasting his time because he could be helping people who actually are. I don’t even know that I’m not these days. Was having a stupid number of intrusive thoughts last night, but I think that’s more because I’m sulking from our argument.

Then he moves on to talking about antidepressants, and I already know what he’s going to say. “Yes yes, I know they didn’t work for you. You’ve told me before how they made you a zombie.” But this time he actually accepted there was a possibility they might work for me! Which is progress even though I have no clue if I need them or not (That’s why I want to talk to the doctor’s about it and see what they say. I said that to him many times but he would not shut up.) But then he was telling me that they’re just a short term solution to a long term problem and highly addictive and that if I actually want to fix the problem then I need to find the root of the problem and fix that.

And I’m getting upset and trying not to cry like a pathetic little idiot, and he tells me that I’ve been reverting to childlike behaviour more and more often recently.

Finally he left the kitchen (which I couldn’t leave because I was trying to make dinner for me and my sister during this) and I started trying to type this all up into my phone. It’s a lot more ranty and less organised on my phone because I was just trying to get it down. But then he came back. (And during the next bit of the argument there were a couple times where he pretended he was going to leave but actually came back to say something else.)

He came back to tell me that he wasn’t telling me not to go. I tried to point out that telling me all the options are not going to work is basically like telling me to not bother trying in the first place. But I couldn’t even get the full sentence out? I could only get as far as “Okay, you didn’t literally say word-for-word” before he interupted. I tried to ask him that if that wasn’t what he was saying, then what was he saying? He wouldn’t explain what he was saying, just told me I was “cherry-picking” his words.

So I try explaining that I do have a plan beyond just getting an appointment. That I tried to book online and that I couldn’t because of XYZ reasons that were listed on the online thing so now I just need to work myself up to phoning. That I spoke with my aunt and she advised me on how to ask for help. And then he tells me that the last time he tried to talk about mental health at the GP, the doctor he saw told him to leave when his appointment was over. Because, y’know, it’s not like doctors are overworked or have lots of patients to see or appointments to get to or anything /s. I tried to explain that my aunt specifically gave me advice on how to not go off on huge tangents. And he’s being all “Well, maybe you’ll get lucky but if you get [doctor] then he won’t help you.” Because it’s such helpful advice to tell me trying to get help won’t work /s.

He also told me I should get my aunt to join in the video call appointment (as well as pointing out it’s going to be a video call appointment as if I didn’t already know that) because the GP isn’t going to be able to help. Still not sure what his logic on that one is. He told me that I’m not going to like to here it, but the help that I need isn’t availble. And that it would be nice if it did because it might help me a bit but it just doesn’t exist. But I think I have to at least try or I’m going to drive myself insane.

Then comes his first faint-out leaving the room, and when he comes back he tells me I need to get out of the house more. That it’s really bad I’m not meeting my friends in person anymore and how when I’m talking to them online it’s the only time he ever hears me laugh. And he’s sounding all understanding and stuff so I tell him (again) that me and my aunt found a gaming cafe and that I’m planning to keep an eye on it to see when things start being available.

Now the next bit I was being kinda unreasonable, because he was trying to be helpful and offer other suggestions. But his suggestions made me feel like he was telling me my plan wasn’t good enough, so I snapped at him that it was “too many options” in my stupid crying voice when he mentioned the second one. TBF, the second one was a decent suggestion. But the first had kinda annoyed me, because he told me I should talk to one of his friends and that she’d help me find more friends. And that annoyed me because his friend is not my friend, so it’d be weird to go and talk to her. I only remember ever meeting once, maybe twice. The only reason I know who [Friend] is is because he would constantly deadname her and another of his trans friends while complaining about how hard it is to remember people’s names and pronouns and how everyone should be understanding of how difficult it is to use the right ones. So talking to her when I know the stuff my dad has been saying behind her back would be really awkward, and just thinking about being expected to that set off the stupid waterworks again.

He was not happy that I snapped because he was only trying to help. But then he was telling me that I’m telling him that he’s always wrong. That wasn’t what I said, “But it is!” And he was putting other words in my mouth but I was getting really upset so I don’t remember exactly which words. But he was saying I told him to “shut up” and stuff.

I tried to point out the contradiction where he only says his words and that is all he means but with my words he’s telling me what I actually mean. And he just didn’t get it. We’re both yelling and I’m crying and eventually I say “I think I know what it is that I am saying, I know my words!” and he said “No I don’t think you do!” And that’s just argh! I could get if I misunderstood him earlier and misinterpreted his words, but he wouldn’t clarify anything. He was just telling me that I wasn’t able to process the conversation. I don’t understand how yelling at me and reducing me to tears was supposed to help my to process any of it!?

He says he can’t talk to me anymore. That isn’t wrong. I can’t talk to him either. It’s like his version of “talking” to me is where I sit quietly and listen to all of his words and pretend I haven’t heard them a million times before and then agree with him. Any disagreement means I’ve misunderstood something or I’m being childish. Trying to point anything out is me being difficult and causing an argument. I’m so fed up with it all.

I spent so long trying to type all of what had happened into my phone that my food went cold. Which is my own fault for not eating while I typed. But I’d paused my typing to serve food up and get my sister, and was a little focused on trying not to cry so much I couldn’t see my screen and spelling the words so I’d understand them later and trying to remember everything in the right order that it happened. My sister was telling me multiple times that I needed to breathe, and I could only just about manage a thumbs up to let her know I heard her because verbal words were beyond me at that point.

The only good thing that came out of this is that it gave me the push I needed to make that phone call last night instead of this morning. The options were very confusing though and I wasn’t sure I chose the right option and I just found out (literally, they phone just as I’d finished the last paragraph) that it was the wrong option after all, but the lady on the phone was nice and tried to transfer me but couldn’t and let me know which option I need to press when I phone them back in 10 minutes (which is, uh, now). Hooray?

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