Decades ago, I got yet another visit from a couple of representatives from a particular church. I was standing in the doorway with the screen door between us as they began their pitch. I do find these people annoying and try to save them (and myself!) time by letting them know that I am not the least bit interested as promptly as I can without being full-on butthead rude.

While I was waiting for a break in the conversation so I could spare us all wasted time and effort, my daughter’s black cat walked up next to me, sat down, looked up at me, and meowed.

I had heard that some of these cults were superstitious about black cats. The representatives were paused in their rhetoric upon the arrival of the black cat, just staring at it incredulously. In one of those rare quick-thinking moments, I looked down at the cat and said, “I think the remote is on the sofa.”

As if on cue, the cat stood up and walked around the corner. The representatives just stood there speechless, and I politely told them I was not interested and slowly closed the door.

I never had another representative from their church show up at my door the rest of the years I lived there.

Thanks, Missy the cat. You will always be held in high regard for your actions that day.

I didn’t intend to freak out the door-to-door people. I was just cracking wise, like I do all of the time. I am just not that clever. It just happened to cause them alarm, and since I never had any more visitors from that church, I consider it a happy (though accidental) side effect of a joke.

I am a new home builder.

Client: “You need to give me a complete refund on this kitchen! I don’t like it!”

Me: “What’s the issue, ma’am?”

Client: “You never told me that the black granite countertops would be so black!”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Client: “They’re so black! So dark! Plus I don’t like all the white patchy parts!”

Me: “You okayed the granite from the factory before we installed it.”

Client: “Look, I’m not going to argue over this. But I am willing to settle on a different color granite—”

Me: “But we’ve already purchased and installed the—”

Client: “—and then repaint my house inside and outside to match the new color.”

That was the first time I had ever laughed in a client’s face. She kept the granite; we kept the money. After that, I don’t know what she did.

I live close to a zoo and am a member, so I visit regularly and have come to know the keepers and the animals. I suppose I’ve begun to exude an air of confidence while I am there because people come up to me ALL the time to ask for help with directions, information on the animals, etc.

The fact that the zoo has a very specific uniform and that I’m NOT wearing it should be a tip-off, but oh, well. (One time, I was wearing a bright red Christmas jumper, and even that didn’t act as a deterrent.) I’ve had several interactions which have just been absurd.

Customer: “My son wants to pet this one. Bring it out.”

Me: “I can’t do that, ma’am.”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “Well, for one thing, I don’t work here. For another, that’s an American Alligator, and it will eat your child rather than let him pet it.”

I order some pizza online. They have to call me to tell me that they are out of certain crusts and certain toppings. I can detect hesitation in the woman’s voice when she calls me, but I am completely civil and nice about everything, which I can tell relaxes her a lot.

Worker: “Oh, since I have you, there’s a promo code for a free bottle of soda and pizza that could be applied to your order. Would you like to use it?”

Me: “I don’t know that code.”

Worker: “I got you. What soda and pizza do you want?”

I thanked her and told her what I wanted. She put it in, and when my order arrived, I even got an extra order of chicken wings and more sauces.

Being a decent human being pays off!

I partially overhear a conversation between my housemate and his three-year-old after they return from the store.

[Child] walks in eating a tiny cupcake.

Child: “My daddy gave me a cupcake!”

After finishing it:

Child: “Daddy, can I have another cupcake?”

Father: “After dinner, sure.”

A short time later from across the house, I only hear [Father]’s response.

Father: “That was very polite, so you may have another cupcake.”

Another maybe twenty minutes pass, and [Father] steps outside to have a cigarette. A minute after that, [Child] walks down the hallway proudly holding a box of cupcakes.

Child: “My daddy got me cupcakes!”

Me: “And your daddy gave you that whole box, did he?”

Child: *Excitedly* “Yeah!”

Me: “[Child], are you sure he gave you that entire box right before dinner?”

Child: “Yeah!”

[Child] sits on the couch and starts to open the box.

Me: *Louder* “[Father], I’m assuming you did not give [Child] an entire box of cupcakes.”

Father: “I absolutely did not! [Child]!”