CONTENT WARNING: Dark Humor

I have a five-foot-zero coworker. She is obviously pregnant, but this seems to make customers think they can just waltz up to her and place their hands on her belly.

She’s scolded the customers about this, who have in turn complained to managers, who have in turn told her to just deal with it. 

Coworker: “Fine… I will deal with it.”

One shift, I notice this exchange. A customer once again touches [Coworker]’s belly. 

Customer: “Oh, congratulations!”

Coworker: *Backing away* “Please don’t touch me.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m a mother, so it’s okay. How far along are you?”

Coworker: *Holding her belly* “This is a tumor.” 

Customer: *Horrified* “Oh… I… Oh…”

Coworker: “Are you asking how long I have left? About six months.”

Customer: *Possibly traumatized, tearing up, backing away* “I… I’m so sorry, I…”

The customer rushes out of the store.

Me: *Trying not to laugh* “I think you just traumatized that woman.”

Coworker: “Maybe next time she’ll think twice before walking up to a total stranger and placing her uninvited hands on their bodily protrusions!” 

[Coworker] gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. When she brought him into the store for us to coo over, she said to me, “Here’s my little tumor!”

I worked in a vitamin store while I was in college. This was a pretty boring store for kids; they never came in without their parents.

Kids wandering a mall only really go to fun stores at that age, right? But two girls came into our vitamin store, no adult with them. They were the age where kids are just old enough to be walking around a mall without their parents — maybe eleven or twelve at the absolute oldest.

Girl: “Excuse me, where are the chewable vitamins? It’s usually [Brand].”

I was surprised she knew the name of it. My colleague handed her the bottle, and the girls said thank you. The first girl showed the vitamins to her friend. They handed the bottle back to my colleague, said thank you again, and left.

They came back probably fifteen minutes later with their moms, went right to the spot, and showed it to one of the moms. They then picked out the same brand bottle but for older people. Then, I saw that they had come in with an older lady who was walking very slowly, probably a grandma or even a great-grandma. The girls had run ahead to minimize the time it took for her to be standing or walking around the store looking for vitamins.

I told the other mom how the girls were the politest kids we had ever met, and her eyes got kind of big, but she looked pleased and said thank you. The mom bought the vitamins. The girls said thank you to us (my coworker and me), and that was it.

A simple and not a crazy story, but when you work in retail, having customers so well-behaved is actually kinda crazy.

I recently had my purse stolen, which necessitated getting a new copy of my driver’s license. After a three-hour wait at the DMV (seriously), I finally got to the employee at the counter. He was helpful until it came time for me to pay. All I had was a hundred-dollar bill — no credit cards because of the stolen purse — and my total was $30.

Me: “Can you make change for a hundred?”

Employee: “Sure, I think so. Let’s see.”

He opened his drawer, took out a fifty-dollar bill, and eyed the scant few bills he had left.

Employee: “Err, one sec.” *Turning to the employee next to him* “Hey, do you have change for a fifty?”

She gave him two twenties and a ten, and he handed her the fifty. Then turned back to me.

Employee: “Okay, so, the twenty plus the…”

He stared at where the fifty had been — the one he had just handed to his coworker — and then at the bills in his hand. Then, he let out a huge sigh. I could SEE the defeat in his eyes.

Employee: “Sorry, it’s been a long day. I’ll take your hundred-dollar bill and go get change from the manager’s office, okay? I’ll be right back.”

He did eventually give me the correct change, but it was nice to know I wasn’t the only one dead inside after spending too long at the DMV!

I have just dealt with a customer who caused a scene and called us all communists for not honoring his out-of-date coupon. Wouldn’t that make us capitalist? But anyway… After he has been loudly escorted out by security, one of our regulars who likes to crack jokes starts speaking to my coworker who is serving him.

Regular: “I once dated a girl who was a communist. Didn’t work out. I should’ve seen the red flags.”

Coworker: *Without skipping a beat* “A communism joke isn’t funny unless everyone gets it.”

That almost made it worth dealing with the bad customer… Almost.

The electronics store where I work has one particular worker who seems like a bit of a contradiction. He’s EXCELLENT at solving problems that other workers are having, but he makes some VERY dumb decisions.

As an example, our video games section has empty cases on the shelf. You bring a case to the front counter, and they ring you out with an unopened case that has a game in it taken from a storage locker of sorts. [Worker] single-handedly keeps the locker sorted so that the most popular games are in the most convenient place for a worker to grab them. And yet, if he happens to be the one who sells a customer the last copy of a certain game that is in the locker, he’ll grab a giant stack of games from the back room, refill the locker, return the remaining games to the back room, and then resume checking out the customer.

One day, I overheard two of my coworkers talking about him.

Coworker #1: “I don’t get [Worker]. How can someone be so smart and so stupid at the same time?”

Coworker #2: “Well, you have to remember that ‘stupid’ can mean both ‘lack of intelligence’ and ‘lack of wisdom’.”

Coworker #1: “What’s the difference?”

Coworker #2: “Intelligence is being able to pop the hood of a car, look at the engine running, and tell what’s wrong with it. Wisdom is knowing better than to pop the hood of a car and look at the engine running while it’s in motion. [Worker] has the first one; he doesn’t have the second one.”

Ever since, whenever I run into a stupid customer, I keep this conversation in my mind.